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Starving dog sniffs new chicken parm, elects to lick own butt as students consider doing the same

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Editor’s Note: The following post is part of the The Turnip, a satire blog. All statements and quotes are completely fictional; this post does not represent the official opinion of the Tribune or its staff members.

A local starving dog was spotted licking his own butt after sniffing the new chicken parmesan from Schroeder Hall, according to eyewitness reports, which matches the setiments from many angry students throughout campus.

Students are allegedly taking drastic measures to feed themselves, including taking up spear hunting, eating gum from the bottom of their shoes and going to McCormick, in what they are calling “the great chicken parm famine of 2012.” Many students are also reportedly starving.

“I don’t ask for much,” undecided junior Kim Plainer said. “All I want from this school is to get educated, have a nice roof over my head and a nice chicken parm in my belly. But no. They took away that last right. They took away my inalienable right to chicken parm.”

Sodexo employees at Schroeder are hopeful students will warm up to the new chicken parm, but they are realistic about their chances.

“We know the faults of the dish,” an anonymous Sodexo employee said. “It’s healthier, more natural. It’s basically crap.”

Instead of adjusting to the new dish, students are still hopeful that Schroeder will return to the old chicken parm, especially one unnamed student who said the change “ruined (her) Marquette life” as she was seen shedding a single tear with her hands pressed up against the glass separating her from the chicken parm. She refused to order anything, instead saying she just “wanted to stare and dream for a little while.”

University research has found that only about 40 percent of the starving students have realized that there are other dining halls with other food. The starving dog, meanwhile, apparently urinated on the chicken parm after rejecting it, not realizing it was food of any sort.

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