Marquette Wire

Fist-pumping to hit the Italian Peninsula

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As an Italian-American, you never forget your roots.

The history.

The food.

The Mafia (oops, maybe wasn’t supposed to mention that).

Gym-Tan-Laundry.

This is what I have learned it means to be an Italian-American.

It’s good to see MTV is rewarding my upbringing with the announcement there will, in fact, be a fourth season of Jersey Shore. If you’re counting at home, that’s one more than Arrested Development got.

As everyone knows, the actions of these eight bronzed up bimbos represent the gold standard for being an Italian-American (or even if you’re an adopted Chilean, right, Snooki?)

But the big news is that the fourth season isn’t happening just at the Shore. The fist-pumping is actually taking place in Italy.

Words cannot express my satisfaction that this insult to both humanity and television is being exported from U.S. borders.

Out of pure disdain for the concept, I didn’t watch a single episode of seasons 1 and 2. Yet the call of understanding what has made the show such a cultural phenomenon compelled me to tune in this season. And boy, what a doozy it’s been.

To recap, we’ve already had more Sammi drama vs. Ronnie and JWoww in particular, Deena opening her “Holiday Inn” to The Situation on the first episode, Snooki bailing on work and running down the beach before getting arrested for public intoxication, and grenade whistles. Spending more words on analysis here would just be a waste of time.

Now, to why this will work even better overseas.

Jersey Shore fits perfectly in Italy. The country — long known as the European bastion of political instability, and that’s putting it kindly — will welcome the internal drama that will inevitably follow these eight people wherever they go.

The “family” concept really has been emphasized this season — even though Sammi has royally cheesed off everyone and their mothers and has tried to make amends. They’ve managed to somehow take in a near Snooki clone in Deena, and even if her voice is obnoxious or she’s too busy dropping her drawers on arrival, the transition has been nearly seamless from Angelina.

After all, if the top Italian restaurant in the world, Olive Garden, says when you’re there, you’re family, then the Jersey Shore eight in Italy have to be family.

Speaking of food, Vinny may be hosting the crew to an authentic Guadagnino dinner, TMZ reports. The chance to indulge in homemade Italian food will give them even more reason to spend more time in the gym working off the excess calories and carbs from the mountains of pasta and bread. Or do more laundry from all the pasta sauce they’ll drip on their clothes.

And finally, this gives me, an Italian-American, the pure and unadulterated bliss of knowing eight consistently drunk, talentless individuals who get paid millions for doing nothing will most likely make it to my homeland before I do.

My only urge to the crew when they make it there is simple, and should be easily achievable with DJ Pauly D at the controls. Drop beats, not bombs — assuming the Italian government doesn’t blow a grenade whistle when you exit the plane.

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