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BREAKING: MU to close down as university at end of academic year, reopen as giant bagel shop

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Thanks to a large donation from an anonymous donor, Marquette announced Wednesday the university was shutting down as an academic institution in May, but would reopen in August as an unnecessarily large bagel place.

The Alumni Memorial Union will house “everything” bagels, while Marquette Hall will be the home of cinnamon raison and the Engineering Hall will have onion bagels. Straz Business Hall will house hundreds of different kinds of cream cheese. The donation, totaling $50 million from an anonymous donor, gave these specific stipulations.

“We’re thrilled to have this gift,” said Michael Lovell, university president and soon-to-be university bagel master. “This helps make us a stronger institution of higher bagels.”

There will still be scaffolding on a majority of the bagel halls. The Turnip will continue following the story as it develops.

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