Hello, my name is Kelly White, I’m from Toledo, Ohio, and with me on tour today is you — a student already enrolled — so I can finally give a totally honest tour of campus.

We’ll start in Zilber Hall, which was built hastily and takes up a full city block, eliminating one of the very few grassy spaces we still had in 2008, when I first came here. But look at the spacious offices the university big shots have now! Meanwhile, the College of Arts and Sciences remains without a dean, but that is neither here nor there. And how nice is having the Offices of the Bursar and Registrar in one spot? Now we’ll really never have to learn the difference between them.

Next, we’ll step outside, and I’ll point out our close proximity to downtown. Sure, MSOE has the prime spot in the heart of the city, and UWM’s practically on the lake, but there is something to be said for the 3 mile run/walk to the lakefront and back, or the $15 cab ride to the East Side. Also, who doesn’t love an occasional bus ride? If nothing else, it really makes you appreciate a minivan.

Now if you’ll direct your attention back to campus. See that building there, next to the scaffolding? That’s Johnston Hall. It’s the oldest building on campus, but was recently renovated and thoroughly improved.  It’s where the College of Communication is headquartered, and thus, it is where I have spent more than one late night in utter despair. They give us free apples, though, and six high-definition TVs, which has saved me a cable bill all year and $.80 a day on apples from the Brew.

Speaking of the scaffolding, you’ll notice there isn’t much other campus construction. That’s because they did it all before 2011 — (see Zilber, Eckstein, Engineering Hall). Sure, undergrads can’t use the top floors of any of these spaces, but at least we don’t have to dodge construction cones on the way to class.

Let’s talk about classes, shall we? Big lectures really are not a big thing here. That means that professors actually take both attendance and the time to get to know us. Which means we have to go to class.  And be prepared. We also have to know the difference between all three Wehr science buildings and accept that most of our English classes will be in the Business building.

Next stop: the library. Raynor was built in 2001, with the intention to be the hub of undergraduate research. We can even IM the librarians! Did you know we have a writing center? How about the complete original manuscripts of Lord of the Rings? It’s true! Additionally, the library is a great place to study.

But if you’re like me, you spend three minutes trying to swipe through the turnstyle, another 10 minutes socializing in the Bridge, a good 20 searching for a spot in Memorial before finally sitting down, overheated, only to realize you forgot to pack your computer charger. So, you go back home and pretend to do homework in your bed.

Next, I’ll prance you through St. Joan of Arc Chapel, which really is always this beautiful. It came from France, and despite being a tour guide for three years, I remain a bit fuzzy on the rest of details. At this point, I’m fairly certain St. Joan of Arc actually built the chapel — Father Naus included as a package deal.

I’ll point out my favorite dorms to you, but please don’t make me go inside. They are usually messy, occasionally smell and I really don’t want to have to try to explain the boys’ shorts on a girl’s floor or the empty Burnett’s bottles. Also, I refuse to walk to Mashuda. Please do not ask me to.

I’m going to leave you here, at the AMU. Although it’s mostly used as a cut-through from Shamu to McCormick Beach, there are some essential undergrad activities here. Be sure to check out the Spirit Shop before you leave to pick up another gold t-shirt. And if you want a delicious meal, try Sobleman’s. It’s the classiest joint on campus, although they do serve beer in plastic cups.

Maybe on my regular tours I gloss a few things over and sugarcoat a couple of details. But believe me when I say this: You will love this university, for all its perfections and its flaws.  When it comes to the end of your four years here, you’ll want to start the tour all over again.

And with that, I leave you. It’s been great showing you around campus today — and through my life all year.  This has been an extraordinarily fun endeavor, and I could not be more grateful for the opportunity to write to you weekly. Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for caring.