Listen, Marquette men … we need to talk.
The way many of you have declared yourselves uninterested in me and my pals is unacceptable. It’s not the breaking up part — that is something from which the majority of us will recover from very soon, trust me. Rather, it’s the way you break up with us that really stings.
Admittedly, I have been the dumper before — and it is sometimes just as hard as being the dumpee. Words are difficult to come by, and it is easy to fall back on cliches. It is also easy to avoid saying anything of relevance or importance. And it must be easy to say things that are shallow, dumb and even cruel, because otherwise breaking up would not have such a bad rap.
In an attempt to help ease the pain and stupidity of such blow offs, I have compiled a list of the worst possible break-up phrases ever heard by my friends and me. I suggest not saying any of these, ever. Or ever again, if you recognize one of your go-tos.
10. I don’t know if I like where this is going. Well, neither do I. It sounds like you might be dumping me.
9. I’m just really busy right now. This just makes you sound arrogant and selfish. I doubt you are that much busier than I am, and somehow I am still making time for this “relationship.” But, you’re right, your commitments are way more important than I am, even if my commitments are not as important as you are.
8. Having you as a girlfriend is too expensive. That’s surprising because our last “date” was two beers at Murphy’s– and it may have been Ladies’ Night.
7. I just don’t think we should get emotionally attached. So you want this to be what — purely physical? 2011 was a banner year to prove such a relationship wouldn’t work for even the most attractive of couples– thanks to both Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman. It’s fair to say that emotions come with this sort of thing — and dare I say, even make it better.
6. I’m going through a process of discernment right now. Senior year is tough for all of us. No one knows where we’re going, what we’re doing or how long we’ll be wherever we wind up. Freshman through junior year, however, this excuse is far less viable. How shall you spin this? You are stressed about which college to be in? What to major in? Whether to join a social fraternity? Is God is telling you not to be with me? Well, actually, I can’t argue with the Almighty, I guess.
5. I’m just not as excited about this as I was when we started seeing each other. This is just a nice way of saying you are bored in this relationship. Which is a mean way of saying you are bored with me.
4. Our stars are not aligned in this fateful world. My friend said this to his 6th grade girlfriend in a note. Pure poetry — but I do not want poetry when we break up. I want honesty. Enough with the cliches! This is up there with “I gave you up for Lent,” “I need to wash my hair — every night for the foreseeable future” and “You have hairy legs” as things that are just not believable and do nothing to help me become a better significant other in the future.
3. What about insert someone else’s name here? What about them? Was it necessary to bring them into this situation — or worse, into this relationship? By doing so, you just made me feel insecure, jealous and a little crazy. This messes with even the most stable and confident women.
2. I met someone else on MySpace. Yeah, we’re done.
1. I don’t think I ever liked you. Just never say this. Even in earnest, it cuts deep. This relationship — no matter how short or insignificant it is in the long-run — did once matter, as at least a little bit of time and energy was put into it. Maybe you never loved me. Maybe you strongly dislike me now. But at some point, you must have liked me.
None of this is to say I don’t like you — I do. Maybe we can be friends one day. Until then, I’ll see ya around.