I want you, dear reader, to be the first to know about a skill I have finally perfected after practicing more than Derrick Zoolander did for his Magnum look.

Like a truly gifted athlete, I have developed my talent into an art form. The exquisite way in which athletes use their bodies as tools to compete against one another — to stretch out for a fly or leap for a dunk — can be phenomenal. I, too, have used my natural abilities to the fullest to develop this skill. It has taken years of dedication, work ethic and practice, but I am finally ready to share my gift with the world: I am an expert people-watcher.

What began as an occasional episode has developed into a series of regular viewing parties. Sometimes done with friends, but best enjoyed in solitary moments of wonder, people-watching has recently bumped karaoke to make my top three favorite activities.

My avid people-watching has been developing since college started. I felt lost among so many people, so in order to best fit in, I knew I had to first observe. It started innocently enough, but I advanced the skill quickly. I feel it only appropriate that I be identified as an expert and help you become one too.

People-watching on an amateur level takes virtually no work. First, you must position yourself in a prime spot. There are a few great places on our campus to watch: Cudahy, where silence is golden but people are ubiquitous; the Bridge, especially during a class switch; and that table by the window in the AMU’s Brew Bayou, where I have seen at least three people trip up the stairs. The best place to people watch is somewhere unfamiliar: a new city, a different school or the East Side of Milwaukee. I recommend people-watching wherever you can — except the gym. No one wants that.

While picking a spot, comfort is key. Have a book or a laptop to avoid looking entirely creepy, maybe turn an iPod on for some background music and make sure to stay hydrated. Once situated, keep your eyes peeled. Be on the lookout for both the mundane and the obscene. At times, people-watching will be boring. At other times, you will be totally stimulated by the events unfolding before you. Don’t just stick to one person or a single group of people. Keep your eyes moving to find the most interesting situation possible.

This is where the last — and most crucial — point comes in. Watching people does not equate to judging people. This distinction is very important because in order to enjoy people-watching, being open-minded is essential. Yes, you will see people different from you. You will see odd outfit choices and interesting haircuts. You may even overhear a topic or two which seem taboo.

This, my friends, is the point of people-watching: If you only saw people similar to you, people-watching would be the equivalent of looking in the mirror (which is number four on my top activity list, by the way).

People-watching may be glorified creeping, as my friend Scott points out, but don’t pretend to be above it. People-watching is much more socially acceptable than long boarding, and unlike long boarding, it is nearly impossible to prevent — walking between classes with your eyes closed is dangerous, after all.

Last weekend I was able to people-watch to my fullest ability while visiting Notre Dame for the men’s basketball game. Sitting in the student section, I observed many a glittery girl and mustachioed man. The change of scenery from the Bradley Center did not dissuade my expert skills. Rather, I was able to spot my friend Dan from sections away almost immediately, a testament to my practiced technique. At a crowded bar later that night, I spotted a kid I hadn’t seen since high school and my good friend’s roommate from study abroad.

Good people-watching may not be as impressive as a slam dunk, but at least my weekend at Notre Dame resulted in a victory.