There’s not much left unsaid about the upcoming marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William of Wales on April 29. Blog and Twitter addicts have been at it for months, trying to guess what Kate’s dress looks like and making speculations about how her hair will be done for the big day. Rumor has it the poor girl has a backup dress just in case somebody leaks her look to the public before Friday.

Did William actually ask Kate’s father for her hand? Does Kate really look like the jellybean that sold for a disturbingly high price on eBay? Where will the newlyweds set up house? Americans find themselves asking these, among others are questions, and turning to every kind of media outlet from “TLC” to “Vanity Fair” to get answers.

You would think it’s the biggest wedding since Prince Charles and Princess Diana or something.

So, naturally, it’s hard to find a new angle from which to advertise not only my personal excitement for Friday, but give the couple a bit more media coverage before the news goes from giddy and flowery to flat and political after the couple is married.

As I sit and ponder the possibilities over a cup of English breakfast tea, it hits me. Perhaps I, and all my college kid wisdom, have some advice to offer the couple. A brief guide, if you will, to which Kate and William may turn when faced with hardship. I’ve seen enough British films to put my two cents in.

Let’s be real, in the hustle and bustle that comes with being royalty, it can sometimes be difficult to remember the importance of everyday things.

First, don’t eat too many crumpets. They’ll go straight to your hips. This is not so much a point of concern for William, but Kate — watch out. Those little buggers and their carb count will have you under public scrutiny within weeks if you don’t take care.

Second, don’t take everything you see on the telly about yourself too seriously. People love to talk. Which I’m sure you’re both very much aware of, but every decision you make as a couple will be interpreted in the media. Aka no snogging in public if you value your dignity.

While on the topic of public scrutiny, realize that even though we may speak the same language in the United States, it does not mean we use the same phrases for the same things. Hypothetically, if you were to eat too many crumpets, the U.S. media may say you are
beginning to take on a “pear shape.” No, this does not mean that you are a disaster, as it does in Britain. You’re merely packing a few extra pounds on your bum. No need to get too bent out of shape.

Do bring back the traditional royal garb. Yes, I’m referencing the infamous BBC series “The Tudors” here. Yes, I know that the “dumbed down, Americanized” show, as you call it, has multiple historical inaccuracies. But if there’s one thing they got right, it’s the wardrobe. There’s something about those valiantly dressed men that has the girls swooning. Take note, William.

Do make good use of your extensive living space. Go all out. Stick an IMAX theater in Buckingham Palace, for goodness sake. You may have the entire bloody population of Britain up in arms, but you only live once. And you have the ability to live grandly.

And finally, please keep trying to make Polo cool. I mean, I think it’s the bees knees, but what do you say we try to get the whole world hooked?

William and Kate, I wish you all the best. Yes, I wish I could be at Westminster Abbey on Friday to cheer you on. But trust me when I say, I’ll have my alarm set for 4 a.m. to make sure I watch the whole thing live from Milwaukee.

Cheerio, ta ta for now!