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Marquette Wire

The student news site of Marquette University

Marquette Wire

The student news site of Marquette University

Marquette Wire

MURPHY: An unfaithful Santa Claus

Let’s be honest, no one should be surprised that a guy named Tiger is cheating on his wife.

I mean, I’m not going to go by the name “Tank” and not go around drinking and beating people up.

With certain names come certain responsibilities. If you go by the name Tiger you are going to have sex with a lot of women.

Tiger and Elin had that Hollywood appeal. The uber-celebrity marries the Swedish nanny — the kind of thing you think will last forever, like in the movies.

Since this fantasy marriage broke up, I’ve started questioning not just celebrity marriages, but fictional ones as well.

According to two gentlemen named Atwood and Schwartz, between 50 and 60 percent of all married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their marriage.

This means that either Atwood or Schwartz has probably dipped his pen in another woman’s ink.

I’m not just singling out men either. According to therapist Peggy Vaughn, 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage.

These are truly sad statistics, but even sadder is they probably translate to the magical world of fiction as well.

Now, I believe there are no idealized, “Notebook”-like endings, even in fiction.

Santa Claus anyone?

You think Tiger had it easy? Try having the ability to go anywhere in the world in a matter of seconds. And let’s be honest, Mrs. Claus is getting up there in age.

I doubt she can even hear Santa sneak out in the middle of the night, nor does she have the ability to smell the perfume on his rosy red cheeks after he was “working late” with his little helpers.

Besides, if you think picking up women in a Porsche is easy, try picking up a girl in a sleigh flown by reindeer. Not that hard.

And do you really believe Harry Potter is going to stay faithful to Ginny Weasley?

Harry is to the wizarding world what Tiger Woods is to the sports world. Child prodigies, bi-racial parents, parseltongues — the parallels go on.

All I’m saying is if I had the ability to go to a bar, drop my name, point to a lightning bolt scar on my head and make out like a bandit, I would.

“When Harry Met Sally?” More like “When Harry Cheats on Sally.”

Vivian Ward of “Pretty Woman”? Don’t put her and Eddie Murphy in a room together.

And the “Brady Bunch”? More like the “Brady Bunch of Illegitimate Children Scattered Around the U.S.”

The fallout even extends to our favorite animals.

Simba from “The Lion King,” for starters. Killing for sustenance is not likely this King of the Jungle’s only vice.

Add the fact that male lions are able to mate up to a hundred times within 24 hours to the fact that 60 percent of all males cheat, and poor Nala doesn’t stand a chance.

You can argue that I am citing fiction, where even monogamy can happen.

But to most of us, Tiger and Elin Woods’ lives are about as fantastical as living in the village of Smurfs.

I’m sorry for my cynical outlook on the great love stories of our time, but I now see things for the way they are.

In the end, the most we can really hope for is that Corey and Topanga kept it together in the end.

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    Billy WarrickDec 15, 2009 at 2:19 am

    Michael Murphy is a GENIUS!