Many people have asked me how I go about writing my column. Sometimes the question comes in the form of, "Are you just trying to piss people off?" or "Why are you such a D-bag?" But otherwise there tends to be some kind of genuine curiosity. So for this week's column, instead of trying to piss people off, I've decided to walk you through the intricate and nuanced process of writing a column.
Of course, the first thing necessary to be a columnist is to be as opinionated as possible. If you are a people pleaser, you will probably make a boring columnist. This doesn't mean you need to be an a**hole, but it doesn't hurt either. Hopefully some manner of skill as a wordsmith is present and a dash of wit thrown in helps too.
As for the process itself, it starts for me every Tuesday after my column is published. Our own motley assortment of writers that makes up the viewpoints page convenes in the bowels of Johnston Hall to discuss what stories and ideas we have for next week's issues. Brandon tells us what he'll be writing for Thursday, we talk about the editorial and then we sit in silence for 10 to 15 minutes as we try to figure out the Thumbs up/Thumbs down section. You'd be surprised how difficult it is to boil down complex issues or stories into a metacarpal direction. This will be punctuated occasionally with a good idea, which we then jot down. Once this is completed we all scatter.
By Thursday I open the paper hoping to read any particularly vitriolic responses to Tuesday's column. Unfortunately of late, these have gone down in number. Maybe I'm losing my touch. At this time, ideas start to bubble up about what I want to write for next week. A lot of things factor into my topic for a column. Usually, if something has been pissing me off, it jumps to the top of the list, but I've been in a pretty Zen mood lately so that has factored in less. Also, if what I believe to be an important issue is being overlooked, I'll write about that.
I usually start trolling for stories at BBC.com or CNN.com some time over the weekend to see if there is anything out in the larger world that interests me before heading over to more local news sources. This entire process takes about three or more hours as I constantly get distracted by random stories I run across or I find out that junk-food equivalent movies like "Rocky IV" are on TV. I just can't pass up a good training montage.
My friends also try to pitch me ideas for a topic over the weekends. Unfortunately while the multiple beers they've had increase their zeal and enthusiasm for the idea, it also tends to hinder their ability to make their argument coherent or even understandable. Even strangers who recognize me aren't afraid to pitch their ideas to me.
By Sunday the time comes to sit down and actually write out my column. The weekend encounters with my fans of varying degrees energizes me for the task. The insults and occasionally praise restore my hopes that maybe, just maybe my column is slowly making the world a better place. It's then time to sit down at my laptop with my good friend Bailey and start to type.