I can't believe how much work you have had to do over the past couple of weeks. You poor thing!

How bizarre that all your professors decided that the final few days of the semester would be a good time to expect final papers, tests and projects.,”

Dear Marquette student:

I can't believe how much work you have had to do over the past couple of weeks. You poor thing!

How bizarre that all your professors decided that the final few days of the semester would be a good time to expect final papers, tests and projects.

What are the odds that they would all plan their classes that way?

It must be particularly painful for you to be working so hard because you are the only one with a stressful schedule right now. Personally, I have spent the time since Easter playing Polly Pocket and finger-painting with my cat.

I mean, we all know that since I'm a "Comm major," I don't have any real work to do. My finals basically consist of "communicating."

What's that you say? You spent eight hours at the library yesterday? Wow, all that Facebook stalking and instant messaging must have been rough – not to mention all the time you probably had to spend talking with other people about how much work you have. I only hope they were as sympathetic of your plight as I am.

You know, some college students just don't understand what it means to be stressed.

You look like you could use another cup of coffee. After all, it's literally the only way to survive college. I would actually die without caffeine. It keeps me up at night so I can watch all my DVDs of "The Mighty Ducks" while you are slaving away over your books.

Wait, hold the phone. Did you say you have two finals on the same day? Inconceivable! How are you ever going to manage studying for two tests at the same time? Won't you, like, get really confused about which subject is which? I hate when things all run together like that.

Sometimes, when I'm finger-painting, I forget whether red and blue make orange or purple. But it must be so much harder for you because you have to remember things like whether your history terms go with your history class or with your astronomy class. I'm glad I've never had to study for two tests at once.

And I actually can't believe you have a final at 8 a.m. on Friday. I bet your professor purposely planned it for that time just to piss you off.

Can you believe that, like, everybody else you know is done on Wednesday? That is just so unfair. You definitely have more problems than anyone in the world.

You know, since you're so busy and stressed, you have every right to be rude to me. And please, please, whatever you do, don't ask me how my week is going. Your importance in life supersedes mine to the point where I am happy if you even acknowledge my existence as you pass me to go "study" in the bar.

Oh, and one more thing. You'll have to forgive me for asking if you wanted to take an hour-long break to grab dinner last night. It was so careless of me to forget that during finals week, no one has time to eat.

The only things besides studying that fit into your schedule are clearly barhopping, napping and the aforementioned Facebook stalking at the library. Silly me.

Gosh, now I've gone and taken up three minutes of your precious time. I'm so very sorry.

Good luck with all those impossible tests you have. I'm off to play Yahtzee with a bunch of other "Comm majors."

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