Email: Your password will expire soon. Do you want to change it now?

Me: Why yes, Marquette email account. Thank you for informing me of this in such a timely manner and asking so politely.,”

Yesterday morning, I had the following little conversation with my Marquette e-mail account:

E-mail: Your password will expire soon. Do you want to change it now?

Me: Why yes, Marquette e-mail account. Thank you for informing me of this in such a timely manner and asking so politely. I shall click "OK."

E-mail: To change your password, please enter your username and your current password, followed by the new password you would like to use twice.

Me: OK … My current password is the one with one zero, so it must be time to change it back to the one with two zeros. I shall click "OK."

E-mail: Either the password is too short or password uniqueness restrictions have not been met.

Me:. What? What on earth are "password uniqueness restrictions?" I have been alternating these two almost identical passwords for all of my four years at Marquette! Why are you doing this to me, Marquette e-mail account, why?

E-mail: Either the password is too short or password uniqueness restrictions have not been met.

Me: You are hurting me, Marquette e-mail account. Damn you and your overprotective efforts to keep me safe! I refuse to conform to your evil ways. I will spite you by waiting to change my password until the day before it expires and thus only have to use a new non-password for my last few weeks at Marquette. It's a shame we had to end it this way. I shall click "cancel."

Seriously, does anyone know what the "password uniqueness restrictions" are? I vaguely remember getting a University News Brief about it awhile ago, but I figured it was just another one of those "We're now the Marquette Gold!"-like changes that you laugh at and then immediately disregard.

But my Marquette e-mail account was serious. I even tried an old password that I used sometimes in high school and it rejected that too. How unique do you have to be? I would honestly rather face the miniscule possibility that someone out there might know my password than be unable to access my own account because I can't remember whether my new code is X4ookalala1 or X41ookalalalala.

I have accepted the fact that my luggage is subject to severe scrutiny at the airport. Even though I have no idea how to make a bomb out of my Cranberry Cream nail polish, I suppose I can fathom that someone much smarter or scarier than me probably could with the right amount of toothpaste and Dr Pepper. Regardless of how embarrassed it makes me to see a security guard named Leo ruffling through my carefully folded underwear, I would obviously rather face his smirking face than a terrorist on a plane.

The point is, there are some things that present actual threats to our collective safety – terrorism, AIDS and guns, to name a few. Placed next to these problems, over-precautions in comparably insignificant things like our Marquette e-mail passwords are ludicrous.

I don't want to be scared of my e-mail account like I am of my car alarm. I can't think of a single time the alarm has actually scared a potential thief away, but it's bitten my head off more than once.

So Marquette e-mail account, I know you're just trying to protect me. But frankly, I don't need your help. I shall miss you when I start forwarding everything to my Gmail account, where I can use my good old, same old, "insecure" password.

“