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Marquette Wire

The student news site of Marquette University

Marquette Wire

The student news site of Marquette University

Marquette Wire

Five best and worst Christmas movies

A full afternoon of extreme sledding, a mug of your mom’s hot chocolate and a night of bundling up in those gross uni-colored sweat suits with the elastic ankles and wrists. Sounds like the perfect night to relax with a heartwarming holiday flick to wrap up the day.

Here’s a list of movies that offer laughter and good cheer, aside from the classic Christmas movies like “Home Alone” and “It’s a Wonderful Life,” along with some that are as valuable as the coal in your stocking.

The Naughty List:

“Santa Claws”

This 1996 piece of garbage is about a boy who finds his mom doing the naked pretzel with a man wearing a Santa hat. Long story short, he ends up parading around like Santa Claus while murdering people with claws. Hey Freud, explain that one to me.

“The Santa Clause 2” and “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”

I thought I’d just save another spot for a crapshoot of a movie by combining these two Christmas failures into one! Why do directors like Michael Lembeck feel it’s necessary to ruin a good thing? These are like “The Land Before Time” sequels of Christmas movies: unnecessary and stupid.

“Christmas with the Kranks”

Speaking of Tim Allen’s eroding career … Allen’s enthusiasm to be acting in this film is lower than the Titanic at the bottom of the Atlantic. It’s obvious he’d rather be in the grave than in this movie. Here’s the plot: the Krank family skips Christmas because they hate life. But then Nora Krank, the wife, decides that’s a bad idea. Cool.

“Jingle all the Way”

Arnold Schwarzenegger is caught in a last-minute shopping dilemma because he’s a horrible father.  That’s it. The only thing I did to keep myself from not lighting this VHS tape on fire was scream “Head for the chopper!” throughout the duration of the film. How great would it be if “The Governator” camouflaged himself as a “Tickle Me Elmo” and hid in the shadows of the store only to guerilla attack mothers trying to snag the last of the good toys?  I submit that it would rule.

“The Nativity Story”

For this 2006 version, directors cast a 15-year-old actress, Keisha Castle-Hughes, to play Mary. To get into character, she got pregnant. Wow. Just how the Pope would want it.

The Nice List:

“The Muppet Christmas Carol”

Jim Henson’s version of “A Christmas Carol” stars all of your favorite Muppets, including Kermit the Frog and Gonzo, but it also includes Michael Caine as Scrooge. It’s a hilarious, touching and adorable film packed with addictive songs that will never leave your head — no matter what your age.


This awesome 1988 comedy is another version of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.” Starring Bill Murray, who plays Frank Cross, the Scrooge-like character finds the spirit of Christmas and stops acting like a huge, yet hilarious, a-hole to everyone.

“The Santa Clause”

Now, I know I talked some mad trash about “The Santa Clause” sequels, but you would too if you saw how awesome the first of the failing trilogy was! Santa Claus slips and falls off Scott Calvin’s (Tim Allen) roof and dies. As a result, Calvin has to take over his job and everything that comes with it. It’s a super fun movie.

“Bad Santa”

In this hilarious flick, Billy Bob Thornton plays a con man who gets a job as a mall Santa Claus. While his strategy is to rob various department stores, his plans are foiled by an adorably chunky eight-year-old boy, played by Brett Kelly, who ends up teaching him the true meaning of Christmas.

“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a National Lampoon movie. The Griswold family, featuring Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo, are probably the quirkiest and most dysfunctional family ever. Aside from the elaborate light decorations, Cousin Eddie’s trailer park lifestyle and the squirrel incident, the funniest part is that Chase’s character, Clark, keeps his cool until the very end.

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