I think the name of my column is pretty self-explanatory, but for good measure, I'll go over it. Like any model American male between the ages of 12-98, I do most of my serious deliberation in the lavatory.
Most anything I have written for this column has been seriously contemplated two hours after ordering a No. 1 at Marquette Gyros. So it came to pass that I thought of this topic too, almost exactly two hours after my favorite meal, listening to the radio.
Right now I want to be like the imbeciles on KISS FM who send "shout outs." I'd like to send a shout out to the NHL playoffs, or, in shout out speak, "My nizzle Gary Bettman and his bumpin' games."
Barring the end of the world as we know it, a lockout is forthcoming in the NHL after the playoffs. It promises to be ugly enough to make the MLB lockout of 1994 look like Paris Hilton after a facial and manicure.
The real shame won't be the loss of the NHL's regular season. The average television rating for a regular-season game is harder for owners to swallow than a 16-ounce glass of pushpins.
But if the regular season is the NHL's hideous cocoon, the playoffs is its multicolored butterfly. The NHL playoffs are more exciting than an episode of, "When Animals Attack." You're guaranteed three sports in one with the NHL playoffs: hockey, boxing and figure skating.
What's more, anything, absolutely anything, can happen in the NHL playoffs. Since the Edmonton Oilers of Gretzky and Messier, there haven't even been dynasties in the NHL. The playoffs usually have more variety to offer than Baskin-Robbins. In the NHL playoffs a No. 8 seed can beat a No. 1 seed only to find itself at the mercy of a No. 2 seed in the second round.
Of course the penultimate goal of the playoffs is to be engraved on Lord Stanley's Cup. Not only are the players immortalized, they each get to spend a day with the Cup as well. The Stanley Cup has been to strip clubs, served as a baptismal chalice, thrown into a canal and has even been in Steve Yzerman's shower — at the same time as him.
The NHL playoffs beauty rests in its purity. Everyone must pull together for victory. There isn't just a star quarterback, shortstop or point guard. Hockey is the closest thing to a true team sport there is.
While the dark storm of a lockout draws nearer on the Doppler screen, these playoffs will be hockey's last sunny days for a long time. Enjoy them now, and soak up every line change, slap shot, kick save and top-shelf goal. I've learned one very tough lesson in my life — people don't appreciate what they have until it is gone. The upcoming lockout will probably teach that lesson to a few others very soon.