Queue Europe. That hit single, "The final countdown," never rings more true than the week before spring break. It's been a long journey thus far, and we are so close to the finish line. With all the tests and papers due this week, I figured I'd use my 500-plus words to bring a little humor to your otherwise studious lives. Here's all the news that's fit to print this week.
A fender-bender at best.
How did "Crash" come home with an Oscar? Come on! That movie had no point. None. Ok, I read ya, we're all connected. Whoop-de-doo! I made a rule about movies a long time ago. If Matt Dillon has a role in the flick, it is not Oscar-eligible. No questions asked. Whatever point that movie made was lost in the glimmer of his monstrous bicuspids. My biggest disappointment with the Oscars: I have to wait another year for Steven Segal to get a lifetime achievement award. Where is the justice?
It's no Holiday Inn.
No plans for Spring Break yet? How does a hotel room near the beach for a few dollars a day sound? "The Little Slum Inn," located in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, offers exactly that. The catch is being in one of the worst "favelas" on the face of the earth. The hostel owners insist it is safe though. I tend to take them at their word. Really, how much damage could a few harmless bullets do?
Don't say Mr. T didn't warn you.
Peter Hart Research Associates interviewed 467 high school dropouts and found that students leaving high school early later regretted the decision. "They made us take classes that we were never going to use in life," one drop out told the researchers. That kid would have been real disappointed when he came to college, wanted a degree in journalism and had to take a geology course.
Making his students squeal.
Samuel Naves of Grand Rapids community college resigned last week after showing a video of a man having sex with a pig to his criminal justice class. The faculty association president defended Naves, saying "his pedagogy was to teach real life." That's a great pedagogy. But I don't think it supersedes the "don't show your criminal justice class bestiality" pedagogy that most professors hold so dear.
Absence makes the heart grow stronger.
The University of Utah concluded constant domineering and belittling remarks between long-term couples are detrimental to your heart. You hear that honey? I told you we shouldn't argue like that. But you don't listen, do you? No. It's like there is a wall around your fat head. Hey, get back here, this isn't over!
Well that's about all I can muster into one column without being fired. But we learned a lot today folks. Come on back in two weeks, when I'll have a spicy column about my journey to the deep South. The tale will most likely involve sunburn, alcohol, a southern belle and a very hands-on state trooper. Here's to hoping they serve Alabama Slammers in, well, an Alabama alammer.