Besides the Ides of March, Halloween is probably my favorite holiday on the planet. People go insane for Halloween and I love it.
What other holiday permits scaling the gap in the wall between Walgreens and Starbucks dressed as a ninja because you are “in character?”
None.
Tell me, who would eat seven bags of Tootsie Rolls in a span of two days and get a pat on the back by all of her friends?
Okay, maybe I would, but for the sake of pattern:
Nobody.
Halloween rules.
And because Halloween rules, my editor assigned me the mission of all missions: discover the top five funniest Halloween costumes of 2009.
Originally, I was going to go about this by creating the costumes myself. But since I am probably the most insensitive broad you’ll ever meet, I would have created some tasteless combination of politics and zombies (Saddam Hussein’s corpse?) that might have gotten me punched in the throat.
So I decided to take a long, road rage-filled trip to Bartz’s Party Store, N96W18743 County Line Road, in Menomonee Falls. I chose this store because it’s the same place I bought at least one element of every Halloween costume I wore throughout my childhood. You can imagine how cute it was to go back there and act like a complete a-hole.
Upon arrival to Bartz’s, my level of excitement was higher than Courtney Love. After 21 years, the location, arrangement and variety of decorations and costumes had not changed, so walking in there was definitely a blast from the past.
I met with Mickey Isberner, a Bartz’s employee who agreed to help me find the top five funniest Halloween costumes on the market. Here’s what we found:
5. Lost Puppy
Being old and overweight has never been funnier. This costume, inspired by Gary Larson’s “The Far Side” cartoons, depicts an elderly woman with junk in the trunk who seems to have lost her puppy. Little does she know, her puppy is uncomfortably nestled in her unrealistically oversized behind. The costume includes a fat suit, a pink dress with white polka-dots and a sign on a stick that reads, “Reward! Lost Puppy, call 555-7868.”
4. Officer McOink
I smell bacon! This costume is right up my alley: offensive and stupid. It’s a potbellied pig in a police officer’s uniform with a patch on the arm reading, “Bacon Patrol.” The sunglasses-wearing pig depicted on the package is holding a half-eaten donut in one hand and a nightstick in the other, while his curly-cue tail juts out the back of the police trousers and his potbelly hangs out of the front.
3. President Bill Clinton mask with Cigar
One of the best costumes I ever had was probably when I was twelve years old and went as Al Gore with a “kick me” sign on my back that said, “Vote for Bush.” Even better though, is a Slick Willy mask with a movable jaw, cigar butt hanging sloppily out of his mouth and red lipstick on his cheek. Wait, what? They seriously manufacture that?!
2. Michael Jackson A.K.A. “World’s Greatest Pop Star”
‘Nuff said.
1. Jabba the Hutt
The second I saw this costume I knew it was the one. Putting this costume on made me feel like I was wearing the most beautiful wedding gown in the world. Not only are elastic bands strapped around your ankles, wrists and neck, but a battery-powered air pump gives the constant effect of Jabba’s fat, sluggish booty. This costume isn’t just hilarious, it’s impossible to walk in. Seeing through the oversized Jabba head is not an option and breathing is a luxury. The good news is, if you wanted to play a sweet round of “ding dong ditch” in this bad boy, they’d never know who it was.
