MU commissions DPS to be well-regulated band of mighty Spartan warriors

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DPS will now operate as a Spartan army. Illustration by Eleni Eisenhart

DPS will now operate as a Spartan army.
Illustration by Eleni Eisenhart

After several listening sessions and evaluating outcomes, Marquette commissioned the Department of Public Safety to be a well-regulated band of mighty Spartan warriors.

The power was originally given to the university after Gov. Scott Walker signed a bill into law in April saying DPS could be a police force or, in tiny, fine print, a well-regulated band of mighty Spartan warriors.

University President Michael Lovell said this move will allow DPS to collect alcohol fines directly, as they will enforce them on horseback with swords.

“We feel this is the best way to strengthen the department moving forward,” Lovell said in a news release. “The mission of DPS will remain the same – to keep our students safe and defeat Xerxes.”

DPS Chief Paul Mascari reiterated his position that these new powers will help enable DPS to effectively do its job.

“Our officers rely heavily on the Milwaukee Police Department to handle things that can only be handled by a police officer or a well-regulated band of mighty Spartan Warriors,” Mascari said. “Having to go through MPD and not having war elephants to help with intoxicated students definitely sets us back.”

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Training costs for officers to become well-regulated mighty Spartan warriors is not yet known, but training will need to take place somewhere near the Aegean Sea, or possibly in the ROTC gymnasium. The training will be led by Darius the Great and Callahan the Interim.

The Turnip also learned that Mascari was chosen to be the permanent chief because of his experience fighting in the Greco-Persian Wars in 449 BC.

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