This is the best meal ever.

Actually, it’s probably only mediocre at best. But compared to the grotesque, mildew-covered filth you normally shovel into your face, this dish is going to taste so amazing your taste buds are going to lay back, have a cigarette, and cuddle with it for a couple hours. Despite the fancy sounding name – you’re probably too scared to even try pronouncing it – basil pesto pomodoro only contains four ingredients, and takes about 15 minutes to make.

First of all, run to the store and grab yourself a bag of onions, a jar of pesto, and some kind of pasta, probably spaghetti. The recipe only needs one onion, but you might as well buy a bunch of them while you’re at it. You also need a 28 ounce can of stewed or diced tomatoes – actually, you probably aren’t very good with numbers, are you? See, you need one of those bigger-sized cans, not your average jar. No, no, not that big. Those are for lunchladies.

Now, being the uncultured collegiate savage you are, you probably don’t know what pesto is. The green color might even freak you out a little bit. All pesto contains is basil, pine nuts, olive oil and – at least in most store-bought brands – garlic. You might as well buy a lot of it; even if you don’t make this meal all the time it’s a nice spread for your otherwise tasteless sandwiches, and even on pasta by itself.

Start off by chopping one of those onions. No, dumbass, not with the skin still on it. You’re really bad at this, aren’t you? I feel like I need to show you a youtube video or something.

When that’s ready, toss those onions in a sauté dish or a medium saucepan, with some olive oil. Sorry, did I forget to tell you to buy olive oil? I guess I just figured you had a kitchen. Do you even have salt?

Anyways, at the same time, get a large pot and start boiling some water for that pasta. Stir the onions for a while, until the onions turn translucent. Toss in the tomatoes. You didn’t open the can yet, did you? Hope your olive oil doesn’t start a grease fire while you fumble with a can opener.

Stir the tomatoes. I can’t believe I even needed to tell you that. When the water starts boiling, toss in the pasta, and stir it so it doesn’t boil over.  Now, as long as you keep stirring, there isn’t much else to do here, so go get the pesto and measure out ¼ of a cup. Don’t pour it in yet. Keep stirring.

By now your pasta should be almost done. There’s a couple ways you can test this. You can just guess based on the time given by the box, but let’s face it – you already forgot when you put the pasta in the water. Way to go. You also can throw it against a cupboard like a true Italian, but that’s just silly. The best way is to just grab a piece of pasta with a spoon, wait for it to cool, an take a bite to see  how done it is. Whenever it is, pour it out in a strainer, shake the pasta a little bit, and toss it back in the pot. Try not to get boiling water on your hands.

You’re pretty much done now. Toss the pesto in the sauce, then the sauce in the pasta pot. Stir. Then eat this meal like the disgusting, pathetic animal you are. Gross. Do you even now how to twirl spaghetti?

Now this is a fairly simple recipe, and while it’s tasty by itself you can always spice it up without much effort. Sometimes I toss in a little spinach, or Italian sausage, or – no, not garlic. There’s already garlic in the pesto. Maybe you should toss in some ginko biloba so you can learn how to read.