Since Marquette Hall was repopulated in May 2014, I have seen many walk out of the men’s restroom without flushing (it is in fact numerous times too many). It makes me wonder if the College of Arts & Sciences would consider offering a one-credit course on “how to overcome the fear of flushing.”

Yes, it does sound like a course more appropriate for a vocational college setting. However, we must not be shy in adapting to our needs. Clearly, there are many among us who would benefit from hands-on training and possibly a demonstration of what it means to practice cura personalis. Flushing after oneself is part of the journey to be fully human. The university must do its utmost to help develop student flushing; it is part of the business of educating.

Here is how I imagined a promo for such a course:

We all know how important it is to complete your business – small or large – when visiting the men’s room. In this course you will learn how to motivate yourself to “flush” through analysis of inspirational phrases such as, “What would mommy do”, and, “Men for other men who may need the facilities after you”, (paraphrasing one of MU’s mottos “Men and women for others”).

Using time-tested methods such as listening (repeatedly) to the sounds of a flushing toilet, the course will expand the campus definition of “business” inside the men’s room.

Although “non-flushing” is not as egregious as plagiarism, it is still a “crime against conscience” and a mockery to the claim of being educated. The student will learn that flushing is part of the business inside the men’s room and is not “optional” as it might have been at home when living with mom and dad.

This will be an interdisciplinary course taught by seasoned professors, all from various colleges and departments with years of experience specializing in the mechanical, chemical, ethical and other dimensions of flushing. Philosophical concepts such as, “What it means to flush in the larger scheme of life”, will also be explored.

Readings for the course will include facial and verbal expressions of men who entered the men’s room after a non-flusher. Caution: uncivil language might be involved. If you are younger than 18, you will be required to sign a consent form. However, this requirement may be waived if you admit to being a habitual non-flusher.

Extra credit will be available to those who spend a total of three hours per week visiting different men’s rooms and documenting various ways to “flush with ease” by observing other men do it (with their consent, of course). The General Counsel’s office will provide legal disclaimer forms for those who wish to take on the extra credit.

Based on student interest, a follow up course will be proposed – ARSC 9002 – which will take a deeper look at case studies and examine the psychological behavior of those who are hard core non-flushers. These non-flushers will be identified at the conclusion of ARSC 9001 – i.e. anyone who received a grade lower than a B average. A faculty/graduate seminar version of the course called “Flushing Meadows” is also being developed and may need to be offered in the near future.

It must become obvious that no such course can be offered, nor does it need to be. Perhaps the promo above holds sufficient clues for the sensible and the thoughtful as to what is the right thing to do.

The views, opinions and position expressed within this guest submission are those of the author alone and do not represent those of The Marquette Tribune.