Speedos. Bad toupees. Showing your butt crack. Burping loudly. Those are just four of the 311 things authors Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle say make men undateable.

In their co-authored book, “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex,” released March 16, Rakieten and Coyle outline all the things men wear, say and do that keep potential dates uninterested. The authors interviewed hundreds of women for the book and asked them for their lists of “undateables” — reasons men go from having a shot to having no chance in hell.

Rakieten and Coyle turned what they found into a humorous collection of turn-offs that holds nothing back. The book is divided into three parts: what not to wear, what not to say and what not to do — and they even threw in ten hilarious examples of “what not to be” in case their point wasn’t already clear enough.

The pair also includes a rating system to give men an idea of how severely they damage their chances with women every time they wear, say or do these things. The ratings range from indicating innocent and correctable mistakes to highlighting things that are beyond fixable. Next to each point is a symbol indicating just how bad the clothing, statement or action truly is, from a red flag or a storm cloud to a “not getting any” symbol — or, worst of all, the kiss-of-death skull and crossbones.

Needless to say, this book is a must-have for the bedside table of women everywhere. Not everything in here is universally used by women as criteria for finding a date, but the content is nothing less than entertaining.

Let’s start with “what not to wear.” The first item listed is “jorts.” Aka jean shorts. According to Rakieten and Coyle, jorts are “perhaps the most ill-conceived item of male clothing ever invented” and are “hideous in any circumstance.”

While the jorts received a storm cloud rating, number 28, “guylights,” were given the kiss of death. Guylights, created by highlighting, frosting or bleaching one’s hair, are considered a major turn-off by Rakieten and Coyle. Apparently, the ladies of Marquette agree.

“Don’t color your hair,” said Margaret Platt, a freshman in the College of Arts & Sciences. “Keep it natural, boys!”

When College of Nursing sophomore Mary Margaret Gough was asked what makes a guy undateable, she was quick to answer.

“Socks and sandals,” Gough said. “Socks and Tevas to be specific.”

The combo clocks in at number 49 in “Undateable.” This no-no received the kiss of death rating as well, meaning a guy’s date would ditch him the minute she set eyes on his footwear.

In the next section, “what not to say,” Rakieten and Coyle are just as tough.

Numbers 106 and 107 are both phrases that should not come out of any guy’s mouth unless he wants to spend the night alone: “make love,” and “let’s get it on.” Lucky for these guys, Rakieten and Coyle offer advice on how to fix this flaw.

“Just say ‘have sex,’” the authors said. “No matter how many women we asked, this was the only thing that was remotely acceptable.”

However, something not so fixable is baby talk, number 110. Securing a “not getting any” rating, this kind of conversation is not in a guy’s best interest. As Rakieten and Coyle put it, “All it takes is a couple of horror-inducing sentences like ‘I wuv snuggling wif you. You’re so comfie womfie,’ and you’ve completely annihilated what could have been something great.”

By the time the reader gets to the final category of “what not to do,” he or she might be sick of all the criticism these poor guys are enduring. Nevertheless, Rakieten and Coyle still have plenty of comical points left to make.

Number 297, “fail to walk date to car or door,” seems obvious, yet enough women complained about this undateable behavior that it landed in this book.

Once again, Marquette women echo this sentiment.

“I feel like a guy doesn’t care enough if he doesn’t take the time to walk me to my door,” said Sandy Schueller, a sophomore in the College of Business Administration.

“Undateable” is both clever and funny, but no guy is safe from criticism once the women in his life get their hands on this book. It’s great to read a few bits at a time — especially if you are looking for a good laugh from the mass of included photos — but reading it cover to cover may be a bit exhausting. After all, there’s only so many undateable things a person can handle in one sitting.

Guys, beware of this book. But also remember that it is all said in good fun.