Torture. Noun. Pronounced: Ta-wr-cher. Definition: The practice of deliberately inflicting pain; its purpose is to inflict pain without causing fatal injury. Synonyms: Bikram Yoga.
So why is it the (extremely) hot new workout? Well, I spent a Friday afternoon finding out.
I had never done yoga before in my life. I was strictly the little bit of cardio, little bit of weight lifting every other day type when it came to working out—neither a gym rat nor meat head, but really not a couch potato either.
However, after 90 minutes of hot yoga I discovered that no matter how great of shape you’re in, hot yoga will slap you in the face, multiple times, in fact, and redefine your idea of a work out. Of course, they advertise the great benefits ranging from physical flexibility and weight loss to truly mental stimulation and stress reduction, but why in a sauna? Apparently the heat is actually beneficial for injury-healing, weight-management and extending flexibility. With obvious reservations, I needed to put my big boy pants on and jump into the fire.
Figuring out what to wear felt like a freshman going to the senior prom. Do I wear sweatpants? Do I go bro in a sleeveless tank top? Yoga pants? Do I go out and buy some Lululemon brand thing? I really had no idea. It was like packing for another country; I didn’t want to offend anyone. I just wanted to fit in. I ended up going with a pair of gym shorts and a light Under Armour shirt figuring it would help soak up the sweat.
I arrive at Milwaukee’s Bikram Yoga studio at 2:45. This place looks like a factory. Instantly, I’m warm.
“Hi guys, how are you?”
“Hi! Are you new here?” Mae at the front desk asks.
“Yep, first timer… Hey, how hot is it in this room?”
“Here in the lobby? It’s about 65°. In there, it’s about 105°.”
No way was it 65° in there. Regardless, if I couldn’t handle the temperate lobby, how in God’s good grace would I handle the 105° sweat shop studio?
I purchase my class and rent a yoga mat and towels as advised. Then, I enter the boiler room.
There are about 17 people lying on the ground sitting like pretzels. Within the first 30 seconds of walking in, I see visible beads of sweat on my arms. What did I get myself into?
Helena, the hot yoga instructor who looked the part, enters the room at 3:02. She is late and I am thrilled. It’s one of the rare times I’m glad if I don’t get my money’s worth because 90 minutes of triple digit temp yoga sounds excruciating.
The age groups are varied. There are soccer moms, a few college girls, two 50-year-old guys and one dude who probably competed in the 2012 Olympics for gymnastics.
I take my clean, dry towel and mat to the left corner of the room where the least amount of people could see me struggle.
3:02—The class starts. I’m already sweating.
3:05—I’m twisting my right elbow around my left elbow, balancing on one leg. Apparently my balance is improving, though I am just staring at myself at the mirror in the distance. I look like a complete clown, but it’s okay because everybody else looks the same.
3:11—I’m balancing on my tip toes, arms straight out, slowly doing a squat to the ground. 4:30 is simply a mirage at this point.
3:14—Does Chuck Norris do this?
3:17—Please see 3:05.
3:23—Have you ever gone into a forest and stepped on the little tree branches all over the ground? You hear little cracks of the branches you step on? Those were my limbs in this class; a little jukebox of body parts cracking since I’d probably never stretched them to this degree before.
3:27—My towel and mat are being watered like a flower. Each time I lean over, the sweat drips off my arms and face. It was a lovely sight indeed.
3:30—If Norris can’t, can Jackie Chan?
3:44—Finally, we begin on the ground exercises. Hooray for sitting!
3:47—($&*@#!!!!)
3:49—My knees and feet are under me, and we are instructed to turn the spine 360° towards the wall behind us. That just simply is not going to happen.
3:58—Will I be able to wear skinny jeans after this?
3:59—Will I be able to have children after this?
4:00—Will I be able to move tomorrow?
4:01—Better yet, why did I bring a watch? It makes time go slower.
4:05—At this point, I am through with my Aquafina. My once light T-shirt has become a soaking wet garment representing the 10 lbs of sweat that I have surrendered. Yet, I could see the finish line… though I needed an ultra high-powered telescope to do so. 25 minutes in a 105° room feels like 25 hours. Nevertheless, I did not want to be the lone casualty to leave the room. I was like Rocky from the movies. I needed to go the distance.
4:11—We are resting, body face down on the ground. I am ready to sleep. Then we are directed to bring our head toward the ceiling, lift our legs up, arms out, somewhat like the Superman pose. It’d be really quite simple, you know, if it wasn’t 105°.
4:12—I am in what they call the “dead man position” lying on the mat, palms up, heels together. However, I am seemingly still alive.
4:26—I didn’t look at the clock for nearly 15 minutes. It is among the greatest decisions of my life. There are just 4 minutes left and we’re doing rather standard stretches by this point. Best of all, I can actually easily grab past my foot while seated. Flexibility: acquired.
4:30—Class is… going… overtime…
4:35—The final stretch, left foot under my right leg as Bill Conti’s entire Rocky soundtrack is running through my head.
4:36—“Great practice everyone,” Helena says, “have a good Friday and we’ll see you tomorrow.”
I SURVIVED….
the yoga internment camp. At the end of the day, I was upright and breathing. And it felt great. I achieved my lone goal of not fleeing the room.
“Good job man, you should be proud of yourself,” one of my fellow yoga survivors told me post “practice.”
It was tougher than any run I’ve ever gone on or workout I’ve ever attempted. And it was mentally more stimulating than most anything I can think of. It is a one-on-one battle as your mind must match your body move for move. And the ability to come out of hot yoga triumphant is a true reward, especially if you’re a hot
yoga virgin.
The whole art of hot yoga is to relax, improve flexibility and mind, in addition to shredding calories. The revolutionary work out is sweeping the nation for all the right reasons and undoubtedly gives new definition to the whole idea of “no pain, no gain.” ν
Pretzel • Dec 8, 2012 at 10:51 am
It has been a very long time since I laughed till tears… I don’t know why. I was thinking of doing some pretzel work out. But Sean funny writing style is worth more than one hour of hot yoga. I commend this article as a stress reliever during this week of torture by hot finals.