If you’re anything like me, your approach to spring cleaning is to rent a power washer and hose the bejesus out of everything. According to dictionary.com, bejesus actually counts as a word, but I burned out of Words with Friends awhile ago so I can’t verify.

Now, I could delve into detail about my own spring cleaning, but I’m a dull person. Instead, let’s prod around in some ideas about cleaning up campus. Take note, however, I’m only pretending to be whiny for the benefit of future students.

Here we go.

Raynor/Memorial Libraries. The only beef I have with going to the library (besides the lack of flash mobs) is that if I want to go to a quiet section of Memorial, I have to trek through miles of Ray Ray to get there. We need to either knock down a wall on the Memorial side and add a student entrance, or we institute water slides and fireman poles for rapid transport.

Lalumiere Hall. Sure the outside is nice and notoriously arty, but the inside has earned itself a solid demolishing. I’m all for keeping the original architecture because of its iconic presence on the quad, but there’s no doubt the visual centerpiece is struggling internally.

Sensenbrenner Hall. This is that building you’ve never noticed, right before the bridge to Straz Tower. I bet no one has step foot in there for ages. Now that I mention it, Marquette hides a full-sized, fire-breathing dragon in a secret lair in Sensenbrenner Hall.

The RecPlex. The only thing worse than waiting an hour for Adonis to finally vacate the circuit of eight stations he was hogging is waiting that hour just to use cruddy equipment. Sadly, complaining that either gym needs work won’t get us anywhere because if one closes for renovations then the other will get so crowded that we would complain even more. The only alternative is to build a new Rec elsewhere, but right now that won’t work out, wink wink.

Varsity Theatre. Still using the Ye Olde English version of “theater,” are we? This old bag of bones could easily be turned into something much sweetre. OK, I’ll stop.

Speaking of old buildings, I’d guess most of the former administrative offices that moved into Zilber Hall two years ago haven’t been repurposed yet. Think of the possibilities. I give you … Trampoline Hall.

Don’t get me wrong, the new buildings like Eckstein, the Disco (Discovery Learning Complex) and Zilber are all incredible. Those were well executed, and I’ll even admit letting Sobelman’s infiltrate campus was a good idea too, with the assumption that there was no possibility to keep Angelo’s.

But for every good idea there’s a bad idea, except in this case since I can’t come up with as many bad ideas.

Marquette Medical School. Nope nope nope. Just because the only downtown Milwaukee emergency room is virtually on campus doesn’t mean Marquette needs to acquire its debt. Besides, having a dental school is good enough, because those things are mercilessly competitive, and I had a wonderful experience getting my wisdom teeth removed there my freshman year.

The dorms. They are supposed to be raggedy — it’s part of the college experience to live as if fresh air were a scarce resource. It’s also a rule of life that freshmen must endure worse living conditions than upperclassmen. Otherwise we’d have nothing.

A football stadium. Don’t get your hopes up. Also, at least have the courtesy to get a taste of our new lacrosse programs before you send them back to the cook.

Public Safety. Getting rid of surplus DPS is probably the worst idea out there. Just because some of us are good at staying safe doesn’t mean DPS officers wasting gas on patrol are not convenient most of the time. I mean, who else would be friendly enough to inform us that the real police are on their way when a good block party gets boisterously out of hand?

So, yeah, that’s all I’ve got. Papa Pilarz better get started on those good changes because at this rate next spring will start in October.