To … the Institute for Natural Family Planning: Way to promote irresponsible, unprotected sex. The rhythm method doesn’t prevent STDs and it’s highly ineffective in preventing pregnancy. There are simple, cheap, reliable and highly effective ways, such as condoms, to prevent both problems. People who are serious about avoiding pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases should use them!

To … Orville Redenbacher: for nutritious popcorn that keeps me regular.

To … Michael: Kindly stop sashaying your “irresistible, rock hard bod” around Mashuda Hall. Despite what you seem to think, the double takes girls give you are not complimentary. Shirts = try ‘em.

To … Red Roof Inn: Thanks for not kicking us out.