I know what you're thinking: Last issue plus self-absorbed columnist equals sappy indulgent goodbye column. Well, you're only two-thirds right in that conclusion — this is not a goodbye column, although I am self-absorbed and this is rather indulgent. No need for mushy nostalgia, as I'm not a senior, and I'm not a wuss. Please stop laughing.

No, instead of looking back, I'm looking forward to two months of serene personal time (see "unemployment"). All that stands between me and summertime fun not seen since "High School Musical 2" is a handful of finals and packing my stuff up. Now what to do with the stack of Tribunes that have been piling since I used them for my Halloween costume? Eureka, I'll list ways to incorporate them into my summer activities!

Packing material

Protect that nice china you have in your apartment, along with shot glasses and beer steins, by stuffing and wrapping them with crumpled sheets of the hard work of the Trib's dedicated staff.

Beach towel

Laundry sucks, both on campus and off. Lighten your load and spread your favorite section out on the sand. Take a dip and wipe yourself down with it, taking care not to smear ink all over yourself.

Picnic date supplies

Treat your summer fling to a picnic in the park set over this past semester's news. Feeling extra romantic? Pick some flowers and wrap them in newsprint to show your date you care enough to spend no money on him or her. That special someone will be totally turned on by your frugalness.

Oversized napkin

If you'll be eating copious amounts of ice cream this summer — and you should — you'll need something heavy-duty to wipe your face.

Study break

It got you through your boring lectures during the traditional school year, so why not through summer classes or your summer job?

Wash windows

You can hope against the odds that someone will hire you this summer, but for the cash-strapped pessimists, be entrepreneurial with free Tribs to start your windshield wiping business along the highway.

Confetti

Be the difference at a baseball game and throw finely shredded pages of the Trib at the first pitch.

Kindling

Hey, you'll need something to start those all-night bonfires at the beach surrounded by attractive people and some guy playing the guitar, like in those beer commercials.

Telescope

I'm too old to play make-believe, but not to imitate real life! Play "Somali Pirate Crisis" by dressing up like a pirate complete with newspaper telescope and hold your friends hostage for ransom.

Mulch

Once summer nears its end, leave a lasting memorial by planting a tree, using mulched Tribunes to feed its roots like they feed your mind. It'll be like a living time capsule.

And of course, you could always read it, or at least pretend to, while you daydream and wonder in contrast to the concentration and cramming you've become painfully accustomed to over the school year. Use the time to reflect on your year and yourself, reminisce on fond memories, and nurture your soul.

Ok, that was a little wussy.

Goodbye, soon-to-be graduates, and best of luck with the real world. To the rest of us, stay safe, and don't forget to be men and women for yourselves, too, this summer.