It's looking pretty grizzly out there, Campus. Freddie Mac Chief Financial Officer David Kellerman was found dead in his home of an apparent suicide. Craigslist is now scarier than ever after discovery of the clean-cut "Craigslist Killer." And despite it all, Nimrod Blagojevich is still trying to squeeze his ugly mug to the top of the news.

Blago be damned, there are more important problems in current events to be addressed in this column. Take, for instance, the recently released Bush administration memos detailing violent interrogation practices. In addition to accounts of slapping and shoving detainees into walls, there were 226 documented authorizations by the former administration to subject two particular al-Qaida detainees to waterboarding. This "enhanced" interrogation method simulates drowning and is now considered torture by the current administration.

On just two detainees, the CIA found it necessary to perform waterboarding 226 times? Whatever happened to the "third time's a charm" rule of thumb? Admittedly, these were two particularly nasty people. One credited himself as the architect behind the Sept. 11 attacks, but he alone was waterboarded 183 times!

Director of National Intelligence Dennis Blair said while the techniques did provide valuable intelligence, there is no way to prove they were the only means to obtain that information.

"The bottom line is these techniques have hurt our image around the world, the damage they have done to our interests far outweighed whatever benefit they gave us and they are not essential to our national security," Blair wrote.

Consequently, 24-hour cable news stations are arguing whether torture is effective and/or justified, and whether Obama should pursue legal action against those responsible.

Meanwhile, in New York, that scurvy Somali teen pirate is facing life in prison. Many questions whether he should be penalized fully considering his childhood in a virtually lawless country. No one is even sure of his age – his parents claim he's 16, his lawyer said 15 and the court is trying him as an adult. He's a dangerous criminal, but it's a tough call deciding what punishment fits his crimes.

And, most tragically of all, Blago's plea to leave the country to appear on the asinine reality show, "I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Outta Here," was denied by a federal judge. Nimrod the Gover-nerd said he needs to appear on the show to raise $100,000 for his legal fees. The jokes write themselves.

In the vein of Irish satirist Jonathan Swift, I've designed my own modest proposal to fix several ills at once.

Let Blago appear on the celeb-reality show. It's shot in a secluded, heavily protected area surrounded by miles of wild jungle. If he tries to run, all the better. If he doesn't, just think of the potential for bad hair jokes when he's thrown into the jungle with the equally ridiculous do's of his castmates Dog the Bounty Hunter and Idol dud Sanjaya Malakar. And being stranded in the wilderness with preppy MTV reality couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is punishment enough.

News stations: forget the discussions of the effectiveness and gray morals of Bush-era interrogation. Instead, experiment with how much intel you can gather when filming an attention-hungry corrupt politician 'round the clock. Make the challenges degrading enough, and you can bypass all of the hefty legal and imprisonment costs, helping put the brakes on our growing national debt.

And the Somali teen pirate? His life's dream was to come to America. Put him to work in the Land of Opportunity by having him and his buccaneer buddies patrol any potential maritime escapes.

And with all of these pressing issues gone, we can finally get back to the news that really matters. Work it, Susan Boyle!