In dripping-with-irony news, three members of the Oregon Ducks men's basketball team were detained at gunpoint last Monday at a local park. Responding officers found the players shooting BB guns…at ducks. Oh boy. Ducks vs. ducks. Someone at PETA is probably vomiting with rage over this.

Freshmen Josh Crittle, Michael Dunigan, and Teondre Williams all face misdemeanor illegal hunting charges, but do not risk jail time. Oh, freshmen — always avoiding jail time.

Hey, I get it. Hunting one's own species is playing the world's most dangerous game. Except the ducks can't really fight back as they lack the opposable thumbs needed for grasping firearms. So it's a little one-sided. Well, maybe they could fly up and claw you or something.

Now if those Ducks were shooting at a golden eagle, it would be a totally different story.

First, the golden eagle would use its 80-inch wingspan to cover the sun and shroud the helpless Ducks in darkness. Then it would swoop in and attack their eyes with its razor sharp talons, because the eyes are like the groin of the face. Once the mighty golden eagle had rendered the Ducks blind and helpless, it would grab the guns and donate them to charity because it likes to give back to the community. Noble creature, the golden eagle.