Welcome to the greatest city in the country: Milwaukee.

Milwaukee is a wonderful place to live, a true utopia. It has to be because it ranks number one across the board.

Milwaukee ranks first in the nation when it comes to racial segregation, boozing and even the chances of ending up behind bars. Coming in first is good, right?

Milwaukee ranks number one as the most segregated city in America, according to U.S. Census data analyzed by Jet Magazine. This segregation is mostly observable in residential locations — blacks and whites don't live next to each other and many whites don't live in the actual city. Most cities have seen this type of residential segregation improve steadily since the 1980s. Not Milwaukee. At least we're consistent.

Milwaukee also places first in highest incarceration rates of black citizens. This may have something to do with all that segregation. This is great! Our segregation is getting us even more number ones and even more national recognition.

Brew City gets top nod for being the drunkest city in America, too, according to Milwaukee's Planning Council for Health and Human Services. There are at least seven different Facebook groups devoted to proclaiming this loud and proud — and it's certainly something of which to be proud. Two of the groups are called "Milwaukee: #1 Drunkest city in America … I'll Drink to That!!" and "I Helped Contribute To Milwaukee Becoming America's Drunkest City."

And these number ones aren't Milwaukee's only claims to fame. The city also makes its way into plenty of top tens. Those are good too, right? I mean, it says "top."

Milwaukee is second in the country for police brutality, according to WTMJ-TV. I bet all those incarcerated black citizens can attest to this. Such brutality was exemplified in 2004 when eight police officers allegedly beat Frank Jude Jr., causing serious injury to the man. The case got national attention and resulted in a federal trial where three officers were found guilty, according to news reports.

But police brutality isn't Milwaukee's only second place award. The city places second nationally for the number of teenage pregnancies, too, according to the Planning Council.

The council writes that Milwaukee is the seventh poorest city of the 50 largest United States cities. Milwaukee ranks seventh nationally for the percentage of families living in poverty and fourth for the percentage of children living below the poverty line, according to a June 2008 community health profile by the city's Health Department.

That same report shows that sometimes Milwaukee even outranks other countries. The infant mortality rate for Milwaukee is worse than the countries of Malaysia, Panama, Jamaica and Russia.

So here's to you Milwaukee. Way to go. Let me be the first to applaud you for all of your wonderful awards.

And why stop here? Maybe Milwaukee can get even better by ranking number one in unemployment, domestic violence and suicides. The sky is the limit and there's no telling what a city as perfect as Milwaukee can do.