I know a lot of people read this column (obviously); I'm pretty awesome. Yet there's got to be some narcissistic delusionoids out there thinking if they wrote this column, the Tribune would be a better paper and therefore Marquette would be a better place. Some of my friends (you know who you are) ask me every time I see them, "When are you gonna write about my facial hair and how sweet I am?" Well, that time has come.
I was surfing the 'Net the other day – totally MySpacing, broadcasting myself on YouTube – when I read that a group of psychologists found via survey that today's college students are, get this, 30 percent more narcissistic than college students in 1982.
San Diego State University Professor Jean Twenge led the study using the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which asks students questions undoubtedly indicative of narcissism, like "If I ruled the world, it would be a better place."
Other questions on the survey included "I like to be the center of attention" and "I can live my life any way I want to." This means back in 1982, which we all remember as the "not me" generation, college students were 30 percent more likely to prefer being disregarded and ignored. They also liked living their life as they choose30 percent less.
Worse yet, according to Twenge, as part of "Generation Me," I tend to engage in "romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth" and "exhibit game-playing, dishonesty and over-controlling and violent behaviors."
How could I be so cold and romantically dysfunctional after all the good examples set by the generation before me? You know, when people still loved each other selflessly, practiced supreme fidelity and stayed together no matter what?
Naturally, I became very depressed, realizing that I do like myself. I did some major soul-searching. Stepping back from the mirror a good hour later, I realized how I could solve my problem – become the poster child for whatever non-narcissistic people are called. If anyone can make a difference, I certainly can.
Step one: Stop the epidemic from spreading to future generations.
It starts early. Twenge mused today's inflated egos resulted from the self-esteem movement beginning in the early 1980s. Self-esteem boosting has become so accepted that Twenge said teachers even change the lyrics to the tune "Frere Jacques," instead asking young children to sing "I am special, I am special. Look at me."
And it's true. I remember teachers indulging my narcissism by attempting to inflate my self-esteem. It must've been that time my assistant principal and history teacher made me stand up in front of the class and insulted me until I cried. He shouldn't have tried to strengthen my pride like that. Can you believe I used to sing about how "Jesus loves me" in Sunday school – those narcissistic groupthink factories of self-gratifying prayer and finger painting?
Similarily, I wanted to call up Stella, my 18-month-old goddaughter, and tell her she's not as special as I had originally led her to believe. I thought back on all those times babysitting her when she'd start crying and want me to hold her all the time. And I'd blindly reinforce her self-absorption like my overly-permissive parents did to me. If Twenge thinks my generation is bad, look at Gen Z. Get over yourself, Stella. You're nothing special.
Step two: Criticize others.
Actually, I do that every week. Moving on .
Step three: Publish a book about it.
When I graduate college and write my book, I'll probably create a media frenzy of attention over myself too. But it will be for 30 percent more narcissistic reasons. My generation doesn't know altruism like Twenge's did. If I hype up my findings, it will be for publicity and grant money – not Twenge's brand of selflessness as she generously shared herself to all news outlets and did readings and signings of her book, "Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable Than Ever Before," released almost a year ago.
I visited Twenge's blog, http://genme.livejournal.com, and read about the modest intellectual's run-in with an "entitled" high school student who called Twenge to get help on a project. The author's humble response? "As you might imagine, my schedule is pretty full already, so I sent her two of my research articles," Twenge wrote. She continued "agape" at the student's entitlement, even rudeness in assuming the professor would assist the student in a high school project. "Was she just completely clueless?" asked the concerned and considerate Twenge, always looking out for No. 2.
We can't all be as widely quoted or as intellectually superior as Twenge, but we can abandon those things which experts say make us narcissistic like YouTube, cell phones and personal iPods – which probably haven't made that much money for selfless, baby-boomer stockholders.
Step four: End column, realizing that no one my age can read this much type backwards as they stand in front of the mirror.
