Sir Edmund Hillary can relax. I will not threaten his legend any time soon.
On Sunday afternoon, I attempted to ascend the climbing walls at Milwaukee Turners Climbing. Unfortunately for me, my roommate ascended while my self-confidence plummeted.
Located at 1036 N. Fourth St., Milwaukee Turners Climbing is right across from the Bradley Center and offers an inexpensive and different kind of challenge.
Upon arrival, I signed a four-page contract stating that I could not sue if I took a plunge from the 25-foot high walls. This contract covered everything from a headgear safety clause to a section blaming me for virtually anything that went astray. Somewhere in Article 7, I think I signed away my first-born.
For the first half hour, a certified instructor demonstrated the knots we would need throughout our climbing experience. This forced me to dig into that vague memory bank of Boy Scouts. Apparently, my bank was not FDIC insured.
For the life of me, I could not tell the difference between the instructor's proper figure 8 and my "pretzel knot."
After finally getting the knots down, I learned how to use a belay device. Most climbers can operate the belay within minutes, but I was special. The instructor gave me a couple looks that paralleled Mike Ditka's frustrated faces.
Once the instructor figured I could not harm my roommate badly, we were turned loose on the walls. After witnessing my roommate scale the wall without difficulty, I presumed I could as well.
On Sunday, I came to two conclusions. For one, I am very weak. More importantly, my roommate should be rooming with the primates at the Milwaukee County Zoo.
Statistically, I reached the top on two of my four ascents. My fingers hurt so much that as of Wednesday, I still could not make a tight fist. My roommate and climbing partner went up six times and only once did he descend unsuccessful.
As soon as I looked past my personal embarrassment and seemingly arthritic fingers, I realized that I had a great time. Though it only happened twice, finishing a 25-foot climb gave me quite a rush. I believe my ears almost popped.
I can assure everyone that I had no experience whatsoever and within an hour, I was either at an altitude of five feet or in the thin air at 15. All this excitement cost me just $10.
The 10-block walk to Milwaukee Turners Climbing, my sad performance, and return trip took about three hours. If you are looking for a different form of exercise or a sense of entertainment, Milwaukee Turners Climbing offers both.
Call (414) 273-1826 or visit their Web site at www.milwaukeeturners.org for more information. The climbing wall is open Sundays from 1 to 5 p.m. and Tuesdays and Fridays from 6 to 9 p.m. A day pass, equipment, and instruction cost $10. Group packages and month passes are available.
This article was published in The Marquette Tribune on September 29, 2005.