Recently in the Department of Public Safety reports there has been a string of toilet paper burglary in several buildings on our fine campus. To whoever is committing these unthinkable crimes I plea to you: Stop at once or you will run this university into bankruptcy! The DPS report stated the stolen toilet paper was valued at five dollars a roll. Anyone who has ever used a bathroom at Marquette knows the toilet paper is definitely not the soft stuff. It's not even close to the soft stuff. The standard Marquette toilet paper is the basic one-ply tissue, just a little thinner than this newspaper you are holding in your hands. Thinness aside, the real problem with Marquette's toilet paper is the price: five whole American dollars for each roll of tracing paper quality toilet paper.

With regards to toilet paper quality vs. price, anyone could go to a convenience store and purchase at least four rolls of high quality, soft, two-ply toilet paper and have change for a candy bar. So why is a university which is well known for its great business school literally flushing our money down the toilet?

Think Marquette, think.

Peter Rizzi is a sophomore in the College of Arts & Sciences.

This article appeared in The Marquette Tribune on Mar. 10 2005.