Donald Driver will never convince me to eat a triple cheeseburger from McDonald's.

My bathroom drawer has the toothbrush "with a pulse!" and the now-unfashionable hummingbird flosser, and I actually purchased (that is, exchanged real cash for) a Magic Bullet blender. I am susceptible to the weakest of marketing ploys (I buy premium gas because it's in the middle) and am brand loyal beyond reason (I almost paid a dollar more for "Duck" brand duct tape before deciding that 3M wasn't really that much of a step down).

But I will never, ever buy a triple cheeseburger because Donald Driver wants me to.

I'm not sure why the NFL monster burger deal irritates me so much now. I've seen the promotion (an ungodly huge burger is sold nationally but promoted locally by local sports heroes) tried over many years and in many forms. Until now, I was never fazed by it. I've even had a Jim Thome super-burger or two in my day.

This year, though, something snapped. I awoke to the truth — not that these fistful-of-fat sandwiches are unhealthy — but of how absurd the whole concept is.

Why is Donald Driver, a professional athlete whose very livelihood depends on being in shape and eating a healthy diet, trying to convince anyone to eat any fast food of any kind? How does that work?

I'm not objecting because the burgers are unhealthy. I love fast food, and my diet is such that sometimes I wonder how I'm even functioning. I just don't understand how or why an athlete would be able to convince anyone to ingest this stuff.

I understand Gatorade. I understand Nike. I even understand the logic behind getting Fred McGriff to push the Tom Emanski Defensive Drills Video.

But burgers? Isn't the whole thing completely counterintuitive?

The commercial itself is a head-scratcher as well. We open with a shot of Donald Driver in his bedroom at home, wearing a jersey (if I had an over-sized shirt with my name stitched on the back, I'd wear it in my home, too) and trying on his wife's huge earrings. She comes home with lunch (McDonald's), goes upstairs and finds Donald pretending to show off his new women's accessories. She gives him a look, and a voice-over announces, "Bigger isn't always better. Unless of course you're looking for things to stuff your face with (actually, it says, unless you're looking for taste, or something stupid like that)," as we see shots of double and triple cheeseburgers.

Then we're supposed to rush out and buy triple cheeseburgers by the bagful.

Lance Armstrong may as well endorse Marlboros.

I guess the whole thing points to how deeply sports has become ingrained in our society, or how powerful the media marketing machine is, or something like that. But still. Don't buy a triple cheeseburger because Donald Driver told you too.

Better to seek financial advice from Javon Walker.

This article was published in The Marquette Tribune on September 13, 2005.