If you ever said that your philosophy class was a load of excrement, I and many others stand behind you. Let me voice my opinion. Philosophy won’t be the science that cures cancer nor the scholarship that maximizes economic profit. Philosophy is a waste of time and Plato’s and Aristotle’s works are best suited for burning! I even demanded the library take these books out of circulation to open up more space for American politics and books about search methods for weapons of mass destruction.

Let us now abolish interrogatories for their intrinsic fault. Everything shall be stated positively in the form of a hypothesis. Clearly, the work of a good statistician can now suit us better than any philosopher. There being at least two or more outcomes to a dilemma (i.e. K is at least 2) we can confer the following objectification for any problem:

Ho (accept): if N(x) > N / K

Ha (reject): if N(x) < N / K

For example, let’s assume that Americans are to decide whether or not to wage war on another country. The United States has population 292 (in millions) and the other country’s population is 23.8. Therefore, N = 315.8. If the amount of people in agreement with war is greater than 315.8 / 2 people (K=2 assuming the only two solutions are war or no war) then war may be objectively accepted. Let there be no debate.

Let us not halt yet. For this would fall to the same pathetic reality of philosophy (i.e. an emphasis of theory and no idea of what application is)! Time being money, I will quickly outline a plan of action. Since the philosophers will be unable to stop questioning, the Department of Public Safety will also fulfill the role of the “Thought Police.” However, this is not important to us because these laws affect only the violators (the philosophers).

Let’s discuss the good life. I think there needs to be allowance for some variance and choice in life, as the administrators at the Digital Cable Company have also realized. First, if your major doesn’t get you a six-figure salary upon graduation, go to your adviser and demand changing to a field more acceptable. I fancy the ones where you can earn a cool sounding Ph.D. — whatever that stands for. Secondly, organize your life as much as possible as this will help to avoid boring moments, the very layer in which philosophy dwells. One of my favorites is to exercise five times daily so my muscles flex right in the face of mortality. Lastly, be sure to engage in character advancement activities (e.g. watching “The Real World” or surveying www.hotornot.com). Of course, there are a plethora of shows and sites just as great, and these are mere suggestions (ad lib as necessary). After all, this is the American dream I’m advocating, and by no means should any philosopher restrain it. Who’s with me?

Foundos is a senior Spanish and philosophy major.