Are you tired of letting Billy Mays run away with the contents of your wallet? Do you want more than 10 minutes to call to get the special free bonus? Well, like most infomercials, I can’t promise you these wishes can come true, but I can sure supply you with a short-lived anecdote! At least, before this magazine shatters in your hands. Twenty-minute limited warranty.

Grandma always told us: if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. But it’s just so tempting, now that we can call toll-free without parents. After all, who doesn’t want a knife that can cut through anything or some good old Kinoki Detox Foot Pads? Just one phone call (and three payments of $12.95) and all your dreams will come true!

Not so, for freshman nursing student Catherine Sestito. “Infomercials are just stupid. Nobody is going to buy those things,” she said. “Only elderly people without lives tend to.”

Well, sometimes it’s not about actually wanting to buy the product. Infomercials also provide a sense of entertainment. Tyler Bowlus, a junior in the College of Engineering, said he frequently watches 4 a.m. airings.

“They’re fun to watch,” he said, noting that he takes things into consideration like “how hot the chick is and how ridiculous the product is.”

But what if someone actually received a malfunctioning infomercial product as a gift? The final verdict depends on “how awesome it functioned as a conversation piece. I don’t like to return gifts, so I’d probably keep it,” said philosophy instructor Michael Ystad.

And about the person who gave the gift? “I’d think they have no life and no money. I’d be kind of upset. It’s just ridiculous to think of someone who would want to buy you that crap,” Sestito said.

So what are some of the craziest infomercials out there? Ystad said he likes those with “shiny pictures and flashing lights,” and Bowlus didn’t even know how to describe his favorite.

“For a solid 45 minutes, they never said what the product was,” Bowlus said. “(It would) make us millions and was the best thing ever, but I could never figure out what it was. They just knew the product was so crappy that they just wanted people to buy it without mentioning what it was.”

Sestito’s favorite? “The Bosley hair transplant … they’re just so funny,” she laughed. “They have this fake doctor that gives approval that (the product) will make your hair grow back. They’ll show a before and after picture where the hairlines don’t even match — it’s so obviously fake.”