Marquette Wire

Dear Sally

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  1. My boyfriend and I live in different states, and I’m worried about a long distance relationship. How can we make this work?

Find someone in your hometown who looks as close as possible to your boyfriend. Then, replace him. — Reilly Harrington

Monogamy is a lie built by the patriarchy. Next. — Morgan Hughes

Figure out where every girl he talks to lives. Then utilize Snapmaps. — Jackson Dufault

Call him every 15 minutes. It will build a solid relationship of trust, and no possible problems could arise. — Aminah Beg

  1. What should I do for a summer job?

Get a job counseling a ragtag group of youths at a summer camp, and teach them life lessons through comedic interactions and non-age appropriate escapades. — Reilly Harrington

Start a babysitters club. Hold lengthy auditions for babysitters and children. You have high standards for who you will babysit. — Maya Korenich

Sleep. — Jackson Dufault

  1. How should I make my mark during my internship this summer?

Full-on animal kingdom approach: Pee in the plants. — Reilly Harrington

Mess up your coworkers’ coffee orders every single day. —Maya Koreich

Dress for success. Show up in a birthday suit every day. — Jackson Dufault

Only hide in the restroom for HALF the staff meeting this year — Caroline Kaufman


  1. I’m officially done with college, and I don’t have a job lined up. What do I do now?

Two words: model trains. — Reilly Harrington

Two words: victory lap — Caroline Kaufman


  1. How can I get my professor to raise my grade from a D to an A?

Being smarter would significantly bump those grades up, chief. — Reilly Harrington

😉 — Morgan Hughes

You don’t even have to involve your professor in solving this problem. Just hack Checkmarq, can’t be that hard. — Jackson Dufault


  1. What should I get my significant other for their birthday?

Nothing screams “I love you” like a scarf knitted from your own hair. — Reilly Harrington

Ask them what their exes got them in the past. Get them the exact opposite. — Maya Korenich

Give them a piece of your heart, like, literally. I am sure they would not be disgusted. — Aminah Beg

Whatever he didn’t get you for your birthday. — Caroline Kaufman


  1. What am I supposed to do for four months at home over the summer?

Meet the man of your dreams, fall madly in love and then experience true heartbreak after you find out his rich father forbids you two to be together. Lie awake at night and think that he was Mr. Right, and you let him get away. Or watch “Game of Thrones,” your choice. — Reilly Harrington

You’re an adult. Get some hobbies. — Morgan Hughes

Do what I did last summer. Apply to 15 jobs, get none of them, then just play PlayStation and sulk all day. — Jackson Dufault

Lie in bed all day and overthink and relive every embarrassing moment from middle school over and over. — Aminah Beg


  1. How do I tell my roommate I don’t want to room with them next year?

Announce your intentions to organize a fight club in your room. If that doesn’t scare them off, take them out during the fight club. — Reilly Harrington.

Text them a picture of your new lease and then quickly reply, “oops, wrong person”. — Maya Korenich

Do what Diane Keaton did in “First Wives Club” and buy them out. — Morgan Hughes

Never discuss the problem. If they ask, give a fake address. — Aminah Beg

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