Student not contributing to group project gets hit by anvil

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Jerome Drake, a senior in the College of Business Administration who was not contributing to his group project, was suddenly struck by an anvil when walking down Wisconsin Avenue Tuesday.

Drake, who was not carrying his weight in his group project according to his fellow group members, did not see the anvil coming from the top of Marquette Hall.

“I was just minding my own business, not contributing to my group project, when all of a sudden this 10,000-pound black, cartoon anvil came and smushed me,” Drake said. “Thankfully, it did not interrupt me from getting anything done because I was not contributing to my group project.”

Drake’s other group members said they were unaware that Drake was struck with the anvil, as they had not seen him in weeks and he has not returned their emails or texts.

“We had no idea he was smushed by an anvil,” Samantha Henry, senior in the College of Business Administration, told the Turnip in an exclusive interview on the top of Marquette Hall. “He’s bad at keeping in touch.”

Drake is now being treated at Aurora Sinai Medical Center for anvil-induced smush wounds. He immediately contacted his group members to tell them that is the reason he will not be participating in the group project the next two weeks.

“This hospital excuse follows the visiting family in Florida excuse, the brother’s birthday excuse, the stomach flu excuse, and the visiting family in Antarctica excuse,” Aaron Barnes, senior in the College of Business Administration, told the Turnip in an exclusive interview on the top of Marquette Hall. “Not sure how he got hit by an anvil though.”

Drake had previously dodged several cartoon grand pianos falling off multiple buildings on Wisconsin Avenue, all while not contributing to his group project.

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