Dear Marquette student body,

It pains me to say it, but someone has to. You suck. You really, really, truly suck. Not to go all Seth Meyers on you but: Really? You couldn’t fill the lower bowl of the Bradley Center against Providence?

Really? On a Sunday afternoon game to boot, you couldn’t get your lazy asses out of your tiny dorms to go watch our men’s basketball team put on a great performance?

Really? You had something better to do at 3 p.m. on Sunday? I doubt it.

Don’t give me that homework crap either. I too am a student, and I can tell you about 0.1 percent of the student body does homework on a Sunday afternoon. If the Packers or Bears were on TV at 3 p.m., I’m sure you would diligently study and responsibly turn the TV off.

Really? You call yourselves the best student section in the land? You aren’t even the best student section in the state. The rodents 90 miles to the west put us to shame, and their games are about as exciting as watching James Franco host the Oscars.

Really? Why bother buying tickets if you aren’t going to go? So you can be a real “fan” and sell your tickets to the Wisconsin, Notre Dame and Syracuse games? I get that not everyone likes basketball. I’m not saying you have to. All I’m saying is if you buy the ticket, you better put it to good use.

Listen folks, I get that our beloved team has been more erratic than Charlie Sheen on a coke binge. I understand the heartbreak you have been through. In fact, I have been with you all the way even while studying abroad in London this semester, searching the bowels of the Internet for a three-inch illegal stream of the game from Cambodia or wherever they host those sites.

And you think you have it bad? Try staying up until 2 a.m. for most games, only to have your soul ripped out time and time again. Alcohol isn’t even a viable option to drown out the sorrows because, well, it’s 4 in the morning.

I don’t mean to sound all high and mighty. I just want you to know you have an opportunity that students across the country relish: getting to see a relevant team play good basketball. Don’t waste it. Don’t waste your money. Don’t embarrass your fellow students and alums across the pond.

So this is what we’re going to do. You are going to get your hineys out to the Bradley Center nice and early on Wednesday night, and you are going to pack the student section. Not only that, you are also going to be loud and obnoxious so that the people watching on TV don’t think they are watching a rec league game at a retirement home.

You are going to give seniors Jimmy Butler, Joe Fulce, Dwight Buycks and Rob Frozena the sendoff they deserve. They have worked their tails off to entertain us. It is time we pay them back with an actual home court advantage on their senior night.

Sincerely,

Andrei Greska

P.S. This is the last time you will all get to cheer like idiots for Frozena. If that doesn’t get you to go to the game, then I don’t know what will.

Andrei Greska is a junior in the College of Communication and a former Tribune sports editor.