Marquette students wave them every game; they find their way onto the JumboTron; and they manage to block the view of the unfortunate fanatic sitting behind them. For one half every game, they distract opposing players at the free throw line.
Of course, I write of the BIGHEADS.
Intrigued by their appearance a couple years ago, I sought to discover the madness behind them. In addition, I proposed a few personalities for future BIGHEADS. The final authority behind the massive noggins is Brian Bowsher, a marketing assistant in the athletic department.
Before I put forth the reasoning behind my suggestions, I watched Bowsher put the finishing touches on the most recent BIGHEAD. The image prints off on a 2-foot by 3-foot adhesive paper. Then the adhesive side is laid against a sturdy plastic sheet, the applier carefully removing any air bubbles that could distort the final product.
The BIGHEADS team currently includes David Hasselhoff, Brett Favre, Bald Britney (Spears), Pee Wee Herman, Borat, Stewie Griffin and Chuck Norris. Like any aging athlete, the entire BIGHEADS ensemble does not suit up every game. Athletes deal with strained hamstrings; BIGHEADS worry about being stolen.
(Still MIA: Jon Lovitz, Dwyane Wade and Mike Tyson.)
Fanatics can vote online for a new BIGHEAD to be unveiled every home game. I heard a rumor that a character from Home Alone and another from the Simpsons will make their debuts against Louisville on Feb. 4.
Now, my suggestions for future BIGHEADS:
Jesus. I guess he's a pretty good guy and likes basketball.
"People could see that as inappropriate," said Bowsher. "People might not like it if he's up there with Hulk Hogan."
The Dalai Lama. Marquette promotes diversity and boasts a religious affiliation. With him, they could hit two birds with one stone.
"Same thing. We try to stay away from religious figures," Bowsher said.
Okay, are any other genres of celebrity off-limits?
"We don't do political figures either," said Bowsher.
C'mon, what about Dan Quayle? If a player or coach acts like an idiot on the court, he won't be the biggest goof in the building.
"That'd probably be okay," Bowsher said. "He transcends politics."
BIGHEADS feature sports talk show personalities Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, so I suggest Skip Bayless. He will automatically be the most hated man in the stands, thus taking the heat off the guy on the upper deck that dumped his beer onto the spectators below.
If Norris represents mythical strength, I recommend conditioning and toning guru Richard Simmons to handle endurance. Appropriate for a fast-break team.
I put forward Tonya Harding's name to inspire the team to do anything to win. Graceful on the ice and brutal in the ring, the figure skater-turned-boxer possessed the balanced combination of finesse and power.
"I like it. Maybe we could find a mug shot of her," Boswher said.
As fans often yell "Money" after a three-point basket, I offer either Bill Gates or Alan Greenspan in the same vein of the crisp, green stuff. The former was more popular, because apparently Marquette students would not recognize the former chairman of the Federal Reserve.
My final recommendation for life as a BIGHEAD is Rick Majerus for three reasons. First, he coached Marquette in the 1980s. Secondly, no one would feel bad for making a fourth trip to the concessions. Finally, the athletic department would not have to enlarge the picture.
"Yeah, that sounds like it would work," Bowsher said.
My offerings seem to me like they would add another dimension to the BIGHEAD family. Hopefully, someday my suggestions can obscure some student's view.