I could write about something big, sweeping and important, imparting life lessons along the way.,”

There are a thousand ways I could write this, my final piece ever for The Marquette Tribune (that is, if my plan to get hired by the Trib as a graduated senior falls through).

I could write about something big, sweeping and important, imparting life lessons along the way. But you'll be getting enough of that from more accomplished seniors, doubtless filled with words like "determination," "ambition," "fortitude," "ingrained."

I don't know anything about those words.

Instead, I thought I'd focus on what I learned about life from working on this newspaper's staff for the last three years.

What I've learned most about myself is that there's always been a part of me that's wanted to write the most popular article ever. I always strain my neck when someone is reading the paper, in hopes I'll see them flip to my page and that they'll have some (positive) reaction.

Luckily, I've been able to devise a formula that will guarantee this becomes the most-read piece of writing for the Tribune ever.

I'm going to combine the most popular articles ever in the Tribune, into one gigantic mega-story.

Oh yeah, and if you're reading this on the Web site, hit "refresh" – that will help too.

Thanks to the great new Web site this year, we can now track which articles (or in this case, Viewpoints) are most read. This year, without a doubt, the most popular topic was "The Vagina Monologues." Nothing got people's blood boiling quite like that play.

Over the past few years, I would estimate the most-read articles concerned homosexuality on campus. And certainly any time we put "Breaking News" on a story, people flocked to it.

But those are just the meat and potatoes in this total-newspaper-domination stew.

I haven't involved Facebook yet. Check. How about a controversial character? Daniel Maguire. Check. There's still something missing . There needs to be more of a pop culture draw . Harry Potter is a warlock trying to harm our children? Check.

Here it is:

Breaking Facebook news feed: Maguire uses Potter's powers to find gay vaginas.

Too bad this hasn't happened yet. Think of how popular this article would have been. A clip like that in my portfolio would have got me hired anywhere.

Maybe I'll just stay happy with the feedback I did get over the years. And you can stop hitting "refresh" now (thanks, though).

The column I wrote that received the most responses, by a wide margin, was "Who wants a mustache ride?" It's clear that if there's one thing people care about on the arts and entertainment side of the news, it's facial hair. Unfortunately I ran out of time, otherwise I would have dug this journalistic gold mine for all it's worth. Too bad for all the readers out there, you'll be missing my would-have-been-Pulitzer-worthy column on chest-hair styles. But feel free to ask me about it sometime (there are some pretty neat ones).

My sophomore year, I worked as a sports reporter. I was never actually sure anyone read what I wrote, but I knew it would be a great feeling to finally be acknowledged.

It finally came in the form of a friend telling me people had been talking about an article I wrote about the rugby team called "Blood, sweat and beers." I thought it was fun piece about the atmosphere at games and the rough-and-tumble nature of the sport and its players. I couldn't wait to hear the compliment.

Apparently, the rugby players thought I made it seem like they drank a lot of alcohol. "Yeah, they're gonna kick your ass. You better watch out."

Compliments sucked. I guess it's better to not hear about your own press, especially if you're in the press.

Probably the best advice I received came from a wise professor who told me, "Today's news wraps tomorrow's fish." Don't take what you wrote, or any mistakes you have made, too seriously. They'll be forgotten eventually.

Of course, they're still going to stink like dead fish.

And that's what I've learned.

I now return you back to your regularly scheduled speeches.

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