After reading Tom Blair's column on Tuesday in which he compared the state of the men's basketball team to a natural disaster, my thoughts turned to weather.

Not the temperature outside mind you, but fair weather. More specifically, the majority of fans on campus.

Now although I'm not typically the inquisitive sort, I wanted to learn more about these types of "fans" and what they were all about.

So, I went to the Great Source of Information, the Internet, (also called: the Internets) and much to my dismay, I stumbled across two distinctly different "fan types" along with several variations.

To save you the time and energy of looking up these on your own, I'll present them to you right here.

First there is what is known as a high-level fan, whose official scientific name is extremus screamus fanus.

You may be familiar with fans of this sort, for a couple have been featured in the hallowed pages of the Tribune.

To identify this type of person, signs and behavior may include any of the below: wearing extremely short shorts (applies only to men), donning a dead animal on your head, face-painting (previously worn by only first-graders at the summer fair), sleeping outside a sporting venue and general derangement.

Second, there is what is commonly referred to as the fair-weather fan, whose scientific name is cumulus cumulus lameo. According to the Internets, they may be difficult to identify because they may appear to be an extremus during times of great success for their team.

However, during times of great despair, they tend to hibernate or avoid being seen in places associated with said team.

Why do they act in this manner? I couldn't really find the answer I was looking for, and one of the links wanted me to look up "superiority complex" but that had way too many syllables in it, so I decided to leave it be.

I did follow one link related to the cumulus and stumbled upon a species it is related to. The layman's term for it is "Bandwagon Fan" but the actual scientific name is Radio Flyer.

Apparently, they have evolved to bypass the problems of fair-weather fans, and they only choose to cheer for the team when they're winning.

If they lose, they simply jump off their little red wagon and move on to a team that is winning. That is such an ingenious, flawless strategy! Who says you don't learn anything in college?

So now that I've enlightened all of you, who wants to come with me to buy an Illinois jersey? Say it with me now, "We're number one! We're number one!"

This article appeared in The Marquette Tribune on Feb. 3 2005.