Prior to assuming his role as the infallible doctrinal head of the world's largest single organized religious institution (In the NBA, they call that "retiring." Bah!), Pope John Paul II went by the birthname Karol Jozef Wojtyla. He was also known by a cool sports nickname: "Lolek the Goalie."

In addition to having a nickname that could one day grace an overpriced pair of basketball shoes in a store near you (Air Lolek's — All The Kids Got 'Em!), the pope was an avid skier, hiker, kayaker and swimmer. Apart from being raised in a strictly Catholic family, the swimming and hiking were the only things the pope and I had in common.

So when I was going to work preparing my Pope John Paul II limited edition goalie cards Saturday (I put them off and put them off and, well, suddenly making those cards became pressing), I needed some rough stats to slap onto the back of the card.

However, I couldn't find any of the pope's soccer stats. I did a little bit of digging — I'm a sports columnist, after all, which sort of tangentially relates to journalism — and I came up with some categories I could use to classify popes in general. Things like Souls Saved (SS: 1.6 billion), Times Traveled Abroad (TTA: 113) and Languages Spoken (LS: 12). I figured this would give Catholics some measure to evaluate the popes on an objective basis, and I would avoid blanking on a column for yet another week. Everybody wins.

In World Religions Welcomed (WRW: 2) he was pretty big on the list, since he was the first pope to pray in a mosque ever and a synagogue since the first century. If the best stat in the WRW category is 2, the Catholic Church needs to get working on that outreach program (no, other Christian religions don't count … even the Lutherans).

However, in the broader world-leader categories, the pope put up much better defensive numbers. He will never measure up to the great Charles De Gaulle in a critical defensive category, Assassination Attempts Survived (Pope's AAS: 2, De Gaulle's AAS: 31), but the fact that he has a zero in the Assassintation Attempts Not Survived column counts for something.

But with a worldwide Souls Saved percentage of close to 23 percent, a TTA of 113, and an LS of 12, the current pope can make a bid as one of the greatest religious leaders of the modern day, and he's virtually guaranteed a slot in the Great Hall Of Fame In The Sky.

Not bad for a lowly right-hander.

This article appeared in The Marquette Tribune on April 5 2005.,”Brian O'Connor”

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