Hey reader! So you chose to attend Marquette for another year. Good job. You chose to read the Marquette Tribune. Better job. You chose my column. Now we're really getting somewhere. Of course, for all I know, the only reason you're reading this is because you're inebriated and the newspaper is lying on the floor of your bathroom next to the toilet you just heaved into. But I'm sure that's not the case.

Well, enough with the pleasantries. Now that you've made the most important decisions since you got to campus, it's time to move onto the next one, which naturally comes to: How can I be entertained at this place? That's where I come in. It will be my personal mission to go and find a source of fun, a rich vein of enjoyment to mine, a spectacular orgy of personal bliss, a… well, I'm sure you're getting the picture.

Luckily for me, a lot of the work has already been done, thanks to the artful and efficient entertainment map provided for you on a much better looking page. But that's not really what I'm talking about. I want to find the single most entertaining events, clubs, late-night activities, Frisbee games, bush-diving experiences, pet-gator harboring events you can find. And no, whatever Teeter-totter-athon is going on does not count. Those are just boring. Important, but boring.

I could be setting my sights too high. In that case this column may go on hiatus or may degenerate into exasperating rants on the state of the entertainment world. However, even then your participation will be integral to the state of this section.

Did you find a Paris Hilton video on the Internet that I haven't seen? Send it. Do you know the funniest joke on the planet and are you just dying to share it? The mailbox is open. Do your friends have a special pre-basketball ritual where they tar and feather someone? I want to see it and write about it. Do you know someone that can recite every Super Bowl winner and NCAA tournament MVP since 1957? Well, that person is a loser.

If something makes you really upset, or if something gets you so worked up it makes you want to streak through the Alumni Memorial Union, or even if you just want to drop me a line and beg me to give a shout-out to your friends (which can certainly be arranged if we are talking Abe Lincolns being exchanged), go ahead and do so. E-mail me at [email protected]. You won't regret it.

This article was published in The Marquette Tribune on September 1, 2005.