More Than a Feeling

Hey, everyone. I'm Marianne. Some of you may remember me from last year as the angry female columnist who didn't write about anything important. But this year I'm the designated life issues/entertainment columnist, and because of my new title the stuff I wrote about that used to be meaningless is now incredibly relevant. Take that! Anyway, this year I'm going to try to write about things college students can relate to, and this week's column is no exception.

It's funny how entertainment issues and life issues can sometimes coincide. You've probably heard about the recent events involving the State of Illinois and the Dave Matthews Band, but in case you haven't here's a quick recap …

As you all know, (warning: sarcastic comment to follow) the Dave Matthews Band is the greatest band that has ever been assembled in the history of music. However, last Tuesday, the State of Illinois sued the band for – of all things – being crappy. According to the lawsuit, on Aug. 8 a bus leased by the band was heading to a downtown hotel. As the bus crossed the Kinzie Street bridge, the driver allegedly emptied the contents of the septic tank through the bridge's metal grating into the river. However, instead of hitting the water, more then 100 people on an architecture tour boat were showered with foul-smelling human waste. Fortunately, the tourists got their money back, but the Dave Matthews Band remains at large.

Now I'm not sure about anyone else, but I think Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge should issue a yellow and brown alert against the Dave Matthews Band and clear out a wing in Guantanamo Bay so when we finally catch them they can suffer the same way they made the rest of humanity suffer. Besides the poop thing, the Dave Matthews Band is wanted for writing the same song 37 times, obnoxiously long live solos and defying the laws of how many members a band should have. If we don't arrest them now, they will continue to assault us with liquid human waste and musical waste, and I firmly believe that both of these things are equally offensive. For the sake of the nation, Dave must be stopped!

All joking aside, though, I believe there is an important lesson to be learned here. See, sometimes life is a pleasure cruise. You're sailing along in the sunshine, life is good and you haven't a care in the world. But sailors beware: Sometimes the cruise is interrupted and for a while you find yourself knee-deep in crap.

At first it may seem like a good idea to blame the Dave Matthews Band, but at the end of the day you have to clean yourself off. The point is, you always have to expect the unexpected and be prepared to handle it. As 100 Chicago tourists unexpectedly found out, you never know when you might get covered in crap.