Though what follows is a response to the Sept. 23 Viewpoint "Robots continue to plague MU" by Josh Biros, it concerns all of those who live and breathe on this fine Earth.

I will be brief, for this is urgent. While we should appreciate the noble willingness of Biros to speak openly and frankly about the robotic menace and its leader, Mecha-Jesus — a stirring call to arms that will undoubtedly place him squarely in the crosshairs of a proto-laser — and while he bravely suggests a solution — that he sacrifice his own humanity to become what he hates in order to destroy it —I fear that something has been overlooked — a terrible something, a fatal error in his otherwise heroic judgment that will surely bring a blue screen of death upon the monitor of humankind, forevermore.

Should Biros, as MegaBiros, defeat Mecha-Jesus in mortal combat, the robotic savior would die and — in the very act of dying — absolve all robots of their sins. Need I go on? This would lead us to otherworldy ruin! Having thus been cleansed and made candidates for salvation, legions of terminated robots would storm the gates of heaven, swelling our afterlife with their gears, robo-treads and death-rays! What's worse, salvation is retroactive, meaning that all the robots who have been dismantled before our time — including the liquid Terminator and that jackass from "Short Circuit" would be there too!

I have seen it in dreams: Assembly lines that stretch for miles, pumping out battalions of robotic shock troops, snick-snacking their robo-blades in horrifying unison. Fresh off the line and programmed with faith, they march into pits of magma, self-terminating so that their saved robo-souls shoot directly to heaven. We cannot die as quickly as they are manufactured. Damn the industrial revolution — heaven will be theirs!

So, people of Marquette, I beg you to beg MegaBiros not to battle Mecha-Jesus! Instead, capture him, strip him of his holy power cells and seal him within the bowels of Wisconsin for hundreds of years — until some blundering party of explorers accidentally unleashes him. In which case the movie rights are mine.

Scapellato is a senior English major and firmly believes Mega Man is a robot, not a cyborg.

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