A student's life can be a real ordeal. There are the three Ps: papers, projects and presentations. And who could forget exams? With all of this and a social life to maintain, it's no wonder students sometimes take the wrong road. A perfect example is the time you meant to write that term paper, but as an alternative decided to drink cheap beer. The next morning — after the obligatory four-letter expletive escapes your lips — you realize the only thing that can save you now is a damn good excuse.

As the line "I got drunk instead" hardly inspires compassion, there are two standard excuses that students fall back on for these predicaments. The first is that you got sick — which may have some success with your professor so long as the declaration is delivered in a raspy voice with a well-placed coughing fit at the end. The second is that your relative has passed away. This has been known to work but I advise against it as it means that you have to keep up the pretense of grief and if Granny were ever to fall ill, it would be on your head in a big way.

I'll admit the excuses can get the job done, but they've become stale and predictable. For those of you daring enough, I propose a third option — mental illness. Nothing too serious, simply a phobia that prevented you from writing your paper. For instance, it might have been the perils of logophobia — the fear of words — that gripped you last night as you sat at your desk. However, as you need words to explain yourself to your professor, this may not be the way to go. Graphophobia, the fear of writing, would be an obvious choice for this problem.

However, you don't want to simply state the name of the phobia and leave it at that. Give your professor an idea what you've been going through — how the sight of an uncapped pen causes you to sweat like a fat man in August. If you choose not to be ruled by the incapacitating force of graphophobia, there is always cyberphobia — you guessed it, the fear of computers. An extremely versatile phobia, prosophobia — the fear of progress — supplies you with a ready answer for that annoying question "What are you so afraid of?" posed by parents, teachers and counselors everywhere.

Last but not least is my all-time favorite phobia — decidophobia, the fear of making decisions. My only question is how does one afflicted with decidophobia determine that they have it? Let's hope they have a therapist to do it for them otherwise no diagnosis would ever be made.

With all these phobias to choose from, finding an excuse should be a breeze. My advice to you is the next time you desperately need an extension, be bold and plead neurotic. It's got to be better than the truth, right?

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