Columnist bases ‘campaign’ on personal ideals

I've got campaign fever! Ever since the debate Sunday night, I'm all about rockin' the vote. But since Al Sharpton doesn't have a snowball's chance of getting elected, I decided to set my sights on more realistic goals: like running for MUSG president.

Before I go any further, I believe a few clarifications are in order: I've never been a big fan of student government. I've always seen it as a popularity contest. Not that that's a bad thing, because MUSG does sponsor a lot of events and operates pretty true to their mission statement, which is "To identify, understand, actively address and represent students' needs, concerns, and interests through acts of leadership and service which reflect Catholic, Jesuit ideals and contribute to the betterment of the Marquette University Community."

Also, I heard the president gets free tuition. The words "free tuition" perk the ears of even the most passive students. Overall, MUSG is a great organization. But if I were president that would probably change — and not for the better.

My campaign would be all about policy changes. First of all, I'd make the position of executive vice president into "executive minion," and then I'd have a lackey to do all my bidding. The next thing I'd do is pass some legislation so that all the dorm cafeterias are Atkins approved. Low-carb is trendy right now, and based on the amount of Abercrombie clothing I see around this campus I can deduce that Marquette students value trendy. And as president I would want to look out for the student's best interests.

After this important legislation was passed, I would propose that we cancel classes on all holy days and days on which important celebrity trials are scheduled. Since entertainment is important to me, I'd also make attendance at all theatrical productions mandatory — even if it interferes with a basketball game.

I would also like to implement a mentoring program: I believe that all those fortunate students who get a weekly allowance from their parents and don't work should adopt a "less fortunate" student and take them out once a week. It would be a great way to help out students in need, and an even greater way to meet people!

If possible, I'd like to create some sort of law that requires all professors to make classes more interesting. Ideally, all classes would be via the Internet in the winter so I wouldn't have to freeze my ass off to learn. But I have a feeling that's not going to fly. Also, if a professor requires students to buy textbooks over $50, he or she better make sure those books are used.

Last but not least, two words: more karaoke! But I digress. If I were to be elected president, I couldn't follow through with my campaign promises. Nobody can. Politics is a dirty game. But it's fun to dream of being president. Al Sharpton does it every day.