The Terrors of Netflix Instant Watch

While you could try to make a dent in your New Year resolution checklist or hit the town with friends, I believe there really is no better way to add a little risk and excitement to your life than to do some exploring on Netflix instant watch. Nothing is more exciting than finding a movie you didn’t know existed, watching it, then crying in confusion while questioning your faith in humanity and the film industry as a whole.

For those unfamiliar with the glorious mess of movies that is Netflix instant watch, it works something like this. In addition to having movies sent via mail, your Netflix subscription also buys you hours upon hours of other ways to procrastinate important assignments and put off life for just “one hour longer” (let’s face it, we all know you’re going to watch that next episode of “Breaking Bad” anyway).

While there are also popular TV shows and classic movies to explore and rediscover, Netflix also has a grimy underbelly of failed indie dramas and bizarre children’s movies that are best left undiscovered. You will watch one of these eventually. It’s OK, just breathe through it and try not to acknowledge the gaping plot holes and (most likely) illegal nudity and potential life-scarring that the film will undoubtedly offer.

Among those competing for the title of “Most Bizarre Movie You Will Ever See” is a movie I accidentally watched called “Sleeping Beauty.” Thinking it was a new take on a childhood favorite, I began to watch only to discover that I was horribly wrong. I’ll spare you the scarring plot synopsis, but basically a young college student takes a part-time job as a “sleeping beauty,” which is really just a fancy way of saying she’s paid to be fondled by strangers after sedating herself. This is just one of the many bizarre films offered by instant watch. Where are the current blockbusters? Cult classics? Oscar winners of years past? Movies that, oh, I don’t know, someone might actually consider watching? Gone, apparently, and replaced by violent crime thrillers like “Happy Tree Friends” (a cartoon miniseries following two rabbits as they massacre their forest dwelling friends … I’m not even surprised anymore).

My advice? Either embrace the weirdness and find enjoyment in the movies you know will never make sense, or call up Netflix and ask them what the heck they were thinking. Trying to make sense of a movie about disco-dancing worms would be difficult for even the most seasoned obscure-movie-watcher.

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